


With Open Eyes

by Estalfaed



Series: A Galaxy on Fire [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Biotics, Comatose, Death, Depression, Destroy Ending, Diary/Journal, Drama, Dreaming, Earth, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Fighting, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hopefully you'll find the ending satisfying, It's a thing of beauty, Kaidan Alenko's Ass, Loss, Love, M/M, Mass Effect 3, Mass Effect 3: Extended Cut, Memories, Mild Smut, Minor Kaidan Alenko/Shepard, Misuse of Biotics, Nightmares, Original Characters - Freeform, Post-Mass Effect 3, Post-Reaper War, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Science Fiction, Soldiers, Violence, finished work, this is a sad story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-09-14 01:39:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 28,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9151108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Estalfaed/pseuds/Estalfaed
Summary: Many died during the Reaper War, many lost everything, their homes, their family, their loves. Those who lived had to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. We know of the Normandy and the heroes aboard the mighty ship. This is not their story. This is a story of a soldier, no acclaims to honor his name, no great tales spoken of his heroism. He fought for earth, for his family, for his love. This is his story, his journey and his recovery from the events witnessed and experienced.It begins Post Reaper War, referencing his experiences through flashbacks, journal entries, dreams and third person narrative.





	1. The Pen and the Page

**Author's Note:**

> While this work does not initially mention the names of John Shepard and Kaidan Alenko, its pretty damn obvious the story he heard was theirs. Its tragic, its beautiful, it stirs the heart and it has a profound impact on our lost soldier. Their story mirrors his own in many ways. They do show up, eventually.
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! I love it!  
> I was brought here by Tumblr, so if you have one and like my work or my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/estalfaed) page, give me a follow. Cheers!  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our soldier begins his journey, to find healing, to find peace. He picks up a pen and starts to write.

_\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

 

_“Am I finally waking up? Or am I briefly surfacing from the coma? The numbness that suffocates me. Opening my eyes once more to the realities of my life...my heart. I have been feeling things again, deeply, and it hurts. My heart hurts. It scares me, these feelings. Awake. Stirring. Eyes open again to the desires in my heart._

_The need to love and be loved in return. To love passionately, with abandon, without fear, without shame. To offer the fullest of myself to another and receive the same love in return. To stand naked and exposed, vulnerable and know that I am safe, loved, to trust. I hate and love this desire._

_My hands are shaking. I’ve been doing pretty much everything to ignore my heart, what I want, what I desire. But I am alone now and feel restless, needing to do something, anything, to distract me. Yet it doesn’t feel enough. Not this time. I don’t want to go back to sleep, to the coma, that empty numbness where I am safe, suffocated. I am afraid._

_It was a story that pulled me up for air, stirred my heart to wakefulness. It was a story of sacrifice. It was a story of loss, it was a story of love._

_It was simple but complex, so layered with depth and meaning._

_They knew each other for years, serving together, through peacetime and through war. They saw destruction and death, they fought for hope, watching each other's back. It started as friendship you see. It slowly grew into something more. Neither admitting it, perhaps even realizing it._

_They were distracted, to busy with the war. It took one of them to die to bring meaning to the feelings they had stuffed aside. Awakening them from the coma, to open their eyes. Maybe it is this parallel that so stirs my heart to wakefulness. They got a second chance, he came back you see, to life. Maybe that's me, reaching out from the suffocating dark, to the light, to feeling to...pain. It hurts, I hate it, I love it. I’ve been crying, or at least, trying to. Listening to their story, its been helping I think._

_When he came back there were old wounds, things that had festered in the dark. Unfelt, unnoticed until they broke like a damn, burst forth, attacked without mercy, unrelenting._

_They said things neither of them meant, they parted with regret._

_They had their second chance and missed it. Sank back down to the dark, to the numbness. Better than the ever present ache, the pain of being alone. I thought that too, once, hell maybe more than once, over and over. I had my second chance as well. I’d found life again and it was hard, but I remember being satisfied? Content? I don’t know, but they just seemed like better days. I got hurt though. I sank into the darkness once more._

_It’s been what feels like years, it’s amazing how each day can seem an entire lifetime, each week an eternity. So much time wasted. It’s taken this story to wake me up. I don’t want to sleep again, but it's hard, so hard to face with pain. To talk to someone about it. I want to fight this time, I need to fight._

_It took more death to find each other again. They had their third chance before them and finally...they took it. Tentatively at first, both scared, both so tired of being alone in the vast empty dark. They didn’t know what would happen, so much history, both good and bad between them. They were willing to risk it._

_The war loomed over their heads, took their time from them, made it short, precious. Neither one knowing if they had a future. They knew they could, and very likely would, die in this battle. They fought anyways, because it was right._

_He should have died, very likely would have if no one had found his handgun, badly melted among the rubble. He was not far beyond that. He was lost in near death, that place of stillness that comes from seeing nothing, hearing nothing, knowing nothing and yet HE LIVED. Once his love learned of this, they rushed to his side, never leaving for long, wanting...no, needing to be the first face he saw when he awoke._

_His love waited for months, through so many surgeries, procedures, life threatening infections, yet still they waited. When he finally opened his eyes, his love was there, holding his hand, kissing it. They had their time now, their whole life, stretching forward before them. It was no longer empty and alone. The future was theirs and they could figure it out together. A fourth chance, not alone. Awake, fully alive, facing their pain...together._

_Is that why this story resonates so strongly with me? I am waking up, but I am alone. I am feeling the pain but have no one to lean on when it gets hard. I stare out into my future, vast, so fully of possibility, so unbearably empty. I don’t want to make this journey alone. I think writing this has helped, helped to understand and order my thoughts, why I am feeling this way._

_It’s crazy how a simple story can evoke such a strong response in someone._

_Words have so much power. I think I need to do this. I will write again.”_

 

* * *

 

He sets the pen and journal down. Clasps his hands together to stop the shaking. Tilting his head back he blinks back the tears. Even now old habits are hard to break, automatically trying to suppress what he was feeling.

He stops, takes a deep breath, reminds himself he is awake, alive. He lets himself feel it.

The raw grief, the fear, the gnawing ache.

He puts his head in his hands and weeps. The floodgates open and he doesn’t stop. It hurts, it feels so good. He does this for what feels like hours.

Slowly the sun rises and filters through the shades of his empty apartment. He shudders, feeling the warmth as it gently caresses his shoulders. He looks up, his eyes are open.


	2. Trying Something New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its been eight months since the Reaper War ended. People are still trying to rebuild their lives, regain some normalcy, a sense of order. Our soldier attempts to journal again. It's new years day.

_\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

 

_“Happy New Year! I told myself I would give this another try, made an agreement I intend to keep. Seemed to really help me organize my thoughts and feelings that are so jumbled up in my head. I was listening to the story again. Its helps me to feel the emotion, connect with it a bit. Try as I might it’s so easy to sink into the numbness. I want to stay afloat and their story helps._

_I’ve been thinking about it though, feeling guilty. Diana Allers is a total bitch. She spent all that time with them on the Normandy, eating the same food, breathing the same air. To publish the details of the Commander’s relationship on the extranet, just to boost her ratings, low blow. Still, the hits she received on that vid were insane. I am partly guilty because I opened the link, I watched the story, I contributed to the mass consumption of gossip and drama._

_I hope that they were ok after that blew up the news headlines. Again, feeling guilty about that. Dealt with enough bullshit during the war...they deserve to find some measure of peace after what they went through._

_What we all went through... I deserve some peace._

_I’ve been having trouble giving myself permission to grieve, to cry again after that first time. The emotions bubble to the surface and the tears fill my eyes and it feels like I’m choking. Can’t breath. Body freezing up. My subconscious trying to physically shove the emotions back down. I want to experience them, to let it all out._

_This will be part of my goals this year, to be a healthier, more stable person, emotionally. And physically. I haven’t hit the gym since the Reaper War started….and after it ended...I’ve just shut myself away._

_I’ve made a decision, it was hard, struggled with it a lot, but I’m moving back to my parents place. It’s in Minnesota. It survived the war by being remote, a ranch house about an hour out of Two Harbors. I need to get out of London. I find myself hating it here. Too much destruction remains, to many reminders of what I’ve lost._

  
_It’s been a while, but I’m starting to see a glimmer, something to reach and work for. It looks a lot like hope.”_

 

* * *

 

Standing up from his desk he slowly stretches, rotating his shoulders slowly, trying to get the kinks out. Writing that was harder than he expected. Too tense. He looks around at the empty apartment. He checks his watch. 

"Flight leaves in two hours....better get going..." Grabbing his jacket and suitcase, he slips the journal into his pocket and hesitates by the door. Taking one more look at the space he once called home...they once called home, his words come out hoarse and quiet. "I'll come back. Sometime. I'll come back."

Giving himself a shake, he walks out the door, the swishing clack of it sliding shut sounded all too final.


	3. The Endless Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is two days since our soldier reunited with his parents in Minnesota, eight months after the Reaper war ended. It's three in the morning and our soldier is trying to find some sense of peace.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ _I felt the need to write a bit. I am hoping this will still my mind and help me sleep. I made it to my parents place alright. Pretty uneventful flight and drive. When I stepped outside after landing in Minnesota I was instantly reminded of why I left. January in Minnesota, fuck. It’s way too damn cold here._

_I took a skycar to the ranch house, an unnecessary luxury, I still feel kinda guilty about it, but it sure beat the four hour drive on icy roads to get home. When I got there I was glad I chose to come home. I made the right decision._

_Mom rushed out, all teary eyed and grabbed my face, her hands were shaking, and kissed my forehead. Her eyes spoke volumes, a sad smile on her face. She turns her head back towards the ranch and I see my father. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. He had left the house but stayed on the front porch. He was on crutches, his right leg missing from the calf down._

_Dammit. They said he got hurt in the fighting, after he went to reenlist. They both downplayed it, like it was just a minor inconvenience. Shit, he’s lucky to even be alive, man his age, 63, headed back to active duty to fight fucking reapers._

_One more reason to spit on their fucking graves._

_Fuck. Thinking about the reapers did the exact opposite of I need right now. I’m so filled with rage. They did this to my family. To so many families. I know I should consider myself lucky, both parents alive, a family home to live in._

_Yet my bed is cold, empty. I lay down alone and wake up alone. A queen size bed, once thought of as “too tiny” now looms massive before me. Promising no rest._

_This is why I am writing. I can’t stand the thought of laying there right now, no arms wrapping me in a warm embrace, no lips tickling me with kisses as they whisper sweet promises of the intimacy that is to come. I hate this emptiness. I know I should feel lucky, but if i'm honest with you, with myself….I wish I had died out there. Died fighting, surrounded by the people I learned to trust with my life. And maybe...maybe he would be there, waiting. If there is a heaven, surely, after all we’ve done, all we fought for, we’ve earned a place._

_I’m too a coward to do it myself. Even in my numbness, my pain, my brokenness, part of me wants to live._

  
_Ok forget this. It’s not helping. Nothing is helping right now. Shit. I hate this.”_

 

* * *

He runs his hands through his hair in frustration. Looks at the battered brown book in front of him, his face twists and he chucks it across the room.  Stares at where it landed, rumpled, pages twisted and folded over.

Cursing under his breath he goes and fetches it, straightening out the pages and setting it upon the wooden desk once more. He sinks to the floor, head resting on the bed he now hates.

Looking at the clock on the wall he drums his fingers upon his knee. Fidgets while sitting there. He glaces back at the journal, back at the clock. Fingers drumming. He softly lifts himself from the floor and leaves his room. Even after years away, he is able to navigate his home in the dark. 

He makes it to the liqueur cabinet and with infinite slowness, he knows how it creaks, opens it. Stares at the contents. His eyes find the glass bottle tucked away in the corner, its amber contents calling his name. Offering peace in oblivion. 

He stares, drums his fingers upon the wooden panes of the cabinet door. Drums and drums and drums.

 

Reaches out....

 


	4. The Highs and Lows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is eight months after the Reaper War was won. Our soldier is living in his childhood home, with his parents, trying to come to peace with the events during the war. Once more he turns to his journal to try and organize and rationalize his thoughts.

_“I am not sure when I finally managed to pass out last night, but I woke with the empty whiskey bottle cradled in my arms. My company for the evening. So I guess I can now add one more thing to my list of ever growing issues. Needs alcohol to sleep. Perfect._

_My parents didn’t say anything about it this morning, as if they didn’t just find their twenty-eight year old son passed out in his boxers on the couch, empty whiskey bottle in hand. New life lows. For all of us, I guess. I’m not sure how my dad is handling me right now, he was always a no-nonsense, get your shit together already, for Christ sake, kind of guy. Mom’s usually the more compassionate, listening type. I think she wants me to talk to her. I can see the subtle plea in her eyes as she looks at me. Asks vague but probing questions._

_I just can’t seem to get the words out. Not yet...maybe ever. Hope that’s not the case. Guess that's why I am writing in this journal. Working up to it. I think i’ll add that to my personal goals as well, talk to someone about it. IT._

_I can’t even write it out on a page. So fucking dumb._

_Dad’s military to the bone, could probably talk to him, share some of our war stories, god knows he must have them himself. Still haven’t asked him how he lost his leg. Don’t want to have him relive the moment, not sure I even want to know. We both just dance around the issue._

_Aside from the humiliation I felt this morning upon waking up and remembering my decisions last night, I feel ok today. More steady, less anxious. I’m going to go for a walk through the woods today, it’s actually sunny out, with a high of 30 degrees._

  
_A miracle for January. I plan to take advantage of it.”_

 

* * *

 

_“I never thought I would turn to day drinking, always turned my head with a sneer at those who did. Felt it was pathetic. Heh, guess that’s what I am then. Pathetic. Never really gave a thought to what could drive someone to it. Day drinking that is. What dark thoughts they were trying to drown out, what painful experiences they wanted to bury with the pleasant numbness of the buzz._

_My walk started out pretty well, bundled up I made pretty good progress. The ranch has some nice trails through the woods that we used to take the horses through. Don’t have them anymore, guess my parents got tired of taking care of them after I left._

_Anyway, the walk. I was feeling pretty good, enjoying the sunlight and the subtle creaking that oak trees made as they swayed with the wind. It was good, calm, peaceful. I grew pretty confident, like I was going to be O.K._

_A good thing right?_

_Wrong apparently. I decided to use my biotics, haven’t since the war ended. Just something simple really. Tried to bring up a barrier. Went through the standard mental queues, formed a simple hand gesture, to help visual the barrier taking effect. I generated a shockwave instead, took me by surprise._

_  
_The impact made the trees shake, the branches crashing together like gunfire. I felt the sound surround me, like physical blows, my body froze, I couldn’t breath, I was wrenched back to that place.”_ _

 

* * *

 

The sky was burning again, filled with billowing smoke and the harsh red glare of gunfire and flames. In calm moments, ashes would gently float down and smother the world in black and grey, a bitter mockery of snow. Screams filled the air, the wailing of the dying, the left behind, the ones so very alive and desperately wanting to stay that way. Hammer was fucked up. Everything had fallen to pieces. He had no idea where the rest of his squad was. He'd lost his rifle at some point, he only had his handgun and biotics. Not enough. Not for this....nightmare. He needed to find him. To get back to him.

"Answer your fucking coms god dammit. Nate!" " _Shit. Shit, shit ,shit, shit, shit._

This was his mantra as he scrambled along the ruined city, skirting around reaper ground troops, firing randomly behind him as he ran. Most of the Reapers themselves, the huge, monstrous alien ships, had left planet side to face Sword. But what was left was enough, more than enough. Endless waves of shambling horrors, mutated creatures, washed over them. Ruthless, tireless. Hammer was shattered. What hope did they have now? 

 _Just have to find him. It will be ok once I find him._ Static filled his helmet with the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. "I'm here, Sean...I'm here." He sounded quiet, tired, faint, but so wonderfully alive.  _Thank God._

 

* * *

 

_"Memories hurt. Even good ones can dredge up pain. I'm not really sure how long I was lost in the past, I just know when I finally came back to myself, it was getting dark. Sun sets pretty early in January, was probably around 5 PM. I was cold to my bones. Guess I'm lucky I didn't just freeze to death out there...lucky._

_So here I am drinking my life away, trying to find answers in the bottom of a bottle, in an empty pack of cigarillos. I need to be numb right now. My parents haven't said a word, bless em. Not sure what i'd say if they did._

_When I got home, they were in the kitchen, just chatting softly with each other. Mom was holding dads hand and was gently tracing his knuckles with her thumb. She looked up and smiled her sad smile at me. I hate what_ _I felt in that moment...It was shocking, terrifying...it made me sick. It was rage, it was envy._

_So here I am, four glasses in and trying to write shit out. Maybe it was always going to end this way. Just one of the many sad, lonely drunks, drinking away my life in a small, empty bar. I'm sure one of the local pubs in Two Harbors has a stool for me._

_God I'm being pathetic."_

 

* * *

 

He closes the journal and drops the pen down, with more force than intended, the lacquer finish cracks on impact. He winces. The pen was a gift from his father, from a trip to Hawaii before the world went to hell. Sighing he gets up and looks at his empty glass and half finished bottle of whiskey. He leaves both where they are and heads to the bathroom. 

After turning on the light he stares in the mirror a while. Trying to focus on the man before him. He looks tired. Dark circles around the eyes, brow wrinkled with a scowl that has become a permanent feature. Slate grey eyes glazed over, empty. A weeks worth of growth on his face has been untouched, where he once was clean shaven. The flat top that used to be meticulously kept in place has grown out and sits in an unruly nest on his head. Shoulders slump with an invisible weight, dragging them down.

He is a stranger.

He is a man lost.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, I know this can be pretty sad and dark at times. Depression and Anxiety are like that. I just want to thank you for sticking with this story so far. It IS a journey, one that is not easily completed. We will get there though. One step, or journal entry, at a time. Much love to you all!


	5. Better Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even the good memories can hurt sometimes.

“Hey you..” I gently whisper, “...good morning.” I watch as he slowly rolls his shoulders, stretches his arms out and turn his head towards mine. Bright green eyes blink sleepily at me. He smiles and pulls me close. Brings me in for a kiss, it’s soft at first, growing more intense the longer we stay locked together. We break away, a simple, contented sigh escapes my lips.

“You know, it’s considered creepy to watch someone while they sleep,” he teases. I run my fingers along his jawline, enjoying the way his morning stubble feels. I wink.

“Can’t help it, you’re too damn adorable when you sleep.” He lets out a snort and rolls his eyes, smiling. He loves it.

“I just thought of a great way to spend our morning…” His eyes glint with mischief and I feel like I could lose myself in them, drown in them. He trails his hands down my chest, my skin pebbling under his touch.

His hands reach lower and lower, I let out a throaty “Oh yes!”

 

* * *

 

He jerks awake with a loud moan, knocking an empty glass under the bed as he does. Lifting his head up from the floor and looking around him, he frees his legs from a rumpled blanket that has twisted in sleep. The glaring red numbers on the clock scream at him with each blink.

 

4:28 AM.

 

Looking down at the angry distraction in his pants, he slams his fist into the wooden floor. The skin splits at the knuckles and starts bleeding but he ignores it. He pulls his knees to his chest, rests his head upon them and...weeps.

Progress.


	6. Tough Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes a little "tough love" can be a good thing.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

_“Well it finally happened. My dad lost it. It was a bit of a relief honestly. The tension that had been building up between us had been getting unbearable. It was after he saw my hand, crusted over with dried blood, swollen and black and blue. He snapped. When I think back on it, it seems so bizarre._

_His eyes drop to my hand, then up to my face and for a second I see fear when his eyes meet my own. Then his face slowly get red, the fear gives way to anger and he comes up to me, crutches and all and punches me full in the stomach. It doubled me over. Hurt like hell. I remember his words perfectly._

_“You Ass. You total ass! For Christ sake son, you’re only 28. You have your whole fucking life ahead of you. I won’t watch as you throw it away.  Trying to drown out and hide from reality with booze. Yes, it sucks, it’s damn hard son, but running from it won’t make it go away. You’re a soldier, fucking made N4. You don’t run from an enemy, you kill it.”_

_He practically roared the last three words. The silence after he stopped hung thick in the air. There were tears in his eyes then. I know he loves me, we just always struggled to communicate with each other._

_This next part though...it’s hard to say what really went through my mind as I stood there. I know I felt rage, shame, pain and shock flicker about, but what he said seemed to sink deep._

_I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around his neck, like when I was a boy and had skinned my knee or found some other way to hurt myself. As I lay my head on his shoulder I just start crying. Crying and crying and crying. I couldn’t stop. He closed his arms around my back and held me as I fell apart._

_Eventually I stopped, was able to pull myself together. My father had just held me until then. I felt hollow after that, scraped out and empty. But in a good way I think. My chest felt like it had a hole in it, it was tender and raw around the edges. I relate to it like this. You have an infected wound that won’t heal. It needs to be cleaned. It hurts like hell as you wash it out and disinfect it. It leaves the wound red and raw, but it’s clean now. It can heal properly. I feel like that's what happened in that moment._

_I know it’s still going to hurt, maybe even get worse before it gets better. But I’m not going to run anymore. I know I said that before, or something similar. Still. This time it feels like the truth. This time I feel like I can do this._

_Ok, dads calling, the car is all warmed up. Going to the clinic in Two Harbors to get my hand looked at._

_Hope I didn’t break anything.”_

* * *

He smiles shyly as he sees his father waiting for him by the car. Running his good hand through his hair, he gives himself a shake to rid the thoughts of self doubt out of his mind. What happened between them both was a good thing. A moment of bonding between father and son.

As he walks to the car and gets into the drivers seat, his steps are lighter. He looks younger.

Maybe it was the lighting, a brisk and sunny day in January. Maybe it was the way the shadows from the tree branches above danced across his face. Or maybe it was because...because he was smiling.

 


	7. In Quiet Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you begin to rebuild, to start living again after losing so much?

_\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_   

 

_“I’ve just been sitting here for hours, not really doing anything. Just staring outside, a mug of tea in my hands. It’s snowing. A pretty big storm front has moved in and we’re hibernating. So I've had a lot of time and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last two days ever since my “heart to heart” with dad. Thinking about what it means to be here. HERE. Alive. In this moment. Witnessing the rise of a new day and the intense beauty of a winter snowstorm._

_So I just keep staring. Trying to stay present in the moment. Feeling the pleasant warmth of the tea in my hands, seeing the way the moisture on the window has frosted up, creating random, beautiful little patterns. Watching the wind whip across the treetops, branches dancing and waving to its forlorn wail. I hear the soft buzz of conversation as my parents sit in front of the fireplace in the other room. The occasional burst of laughter from mom. It all feels so calm, even if the weather is raging outside._

_What it means to be here. In this moment, so very alive. It’s what I was fighting for, what both of us were fighting for._

_It just hurts, that ache in my chest. Because dammit, this moment, it would be so much better if he were here. With me, experiencing this time, this peace that we now enjoy. Nate would love it here. Was a total sucker for the outdoors, and this ranch has always felt so remote. Tucked away in the woods. A different world._

_One of the reasons I wanted to get away here._

_He never got to meet my mom and dad. I was nervous about introducing him, kept putting it off. Focused on our biotics training and what was going on in our lives in London. I think they would have loved him. He had a way of charming people, that welcoming smile of his, the way his eyes sparkled like emeralds. He would have said some comment that would have gotten them laughing, making them feel at ease. He was always doing that. I wish….I just wish they could have met him._

_It all seems to stupid now. The fears I had for not introducing him. Mom, oh mom, she was always pestering me about grand kids. I think I was afraid she’d be disappointed I chose a man over a woman. Can’t make babies that way._

_Or at least, not without spending exorbitant amounts of money that neither of us could have forked over, even with three lifetimes of salaries. Not sure I would want to have a child that way anyways.  Spliced together from both of our genetic codes, grown in a lab. No, no, not like that at all._

_Dad would have liked that he was Alliance. Went through the ICT just like me. It’s where we met. He made N5 just before the war. Total show off. Ha. Terror on the field. He would have made N7, I just know it. Dad made N3 himself. He was bursting with pride when I was invited to ICT. Even more so as I moved along the ranks. Toughest shit I have ever done, at least before the Reapers. Thought I might die a few times during my stint at the villa. Some did. So yeah, I think dad would have liked him a lot._

_Mom wouldn’t have been happy about it, but she would have never treated him poorly, make him feel unwelcome. She would have gotten over it eventually, fallen to his charm, come to love him like a second son. I like to think that Nate would have loved them too. Such a missed opportunity._

_Ooof. Ok, yeah that hurts. Like I just went and ripped off a scab while picking at it. I think I’m done being alone for now. It’s warmer in the living room and I think I want to talk to them about….about Nate._

_Wow, ok i’m like shaking nervous now....maybe I’ll just wait here a bit longer…”_

* * *

 

 

A muted laugh escapes his lips and he shakes his head slowly. Putting down the pen and closing the journal he stands and stretches. Looks out the window one more time and lets out a soft sigh.

"Ok, you can do this." Picking up the tea cup with his good hand he takes a long sip, mutters something about stalling and heads off into the living room.

His mother and father are on the couch, a blanket shared between them. The fireplace crackles merrily and gives off pleasant warmth. Both look up from the data pad they'd been studying. He sits on the coffee table in front of him, covers his shaking hand with the one wrapped in a bandage. 

"Hey.... mom, dad, do you both have some time? There is something I've been really wanting to talk about, to share..."

 

He talks for a long while, both of them just listening. Eventually he falls silent. Eyes staring at the floor, unwilling to meet their gaze. His mother gets up and wraps him in a hug, he starts crying. She starts crying. There is understanding between them.

It's beautiful.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. It's been a personal goal of mine to post something every day, for seven days. I've made it to that goal and I am proud of myself for getting there. Its been over four years since I last wrote something. Took a while to find my passion for writing again, but found it I have. I want to start writing more for this story. Longer chapters, different flashbacks, trying a few different methods, etc. Might take me longer to post stuff, but I WILL finish this story. Thank you all for your kinds comments. It's been great to hear from you, helped to keep me motivated to meet my goal. Much love to ya'll!


	8. Intermission I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Believe me, every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad.”
> 
> -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow "Hyperion"

The soft and steady beep of the vitals monitor was the prominent noise in the room. It's muted glow barely illuminating the sparse hospital room. All was calm for the moment. Two men dwelt in the room, one dosing lightly in a chair, military slacks rumbled and damp with sweat. The other lay unmoving and unresponsive in a sterile white bed. He was hooked up to iv's of varying contents and varying colors. 

It was calm night. The quiet was broken only by the steady beep. The wailing across the way had stopped abruptly two hours ago. Knowing what it meant, the man now sleeping had still felt relief. And guilt. He nodded off anyways.

Sleep was hard to come by. He was restless most of the time, but determined to be by his side if...no, not if...when he woke up.

The soft beep began to increase in pace, slowly at first, subtle enough to go unnoticed for a moment. And then it increased more, the beeping growing more urgent, louder and louder. It tore the man from his sleep in a panic. Eyes wide, trying to take in what was happening in the dark. The bed was periodically shaking. He ran for the lights, flicked them on.

The man on the bed was moving in short, stunted jerks. The beeping was screaming now. He scrambled back for the bed, grabbed the panic button and pressed it. Letting out a strangled, desperate cry "Nurse!" he rushed for the door. Flung it open, cried out again. "Nurse!"

She came rushing in with the doctor right on her heals. Two others right behind them. They unceremoniously shoved him aside, focused on the issue at hand. The man on the bed was now shaking all over, spittle flying from his mouth. He arches his back violently. He makes a sound like a drowning man, gasping for a breath that just won't come.

After briefly looking at the vilas the nurse calmly states, "He's not getting enough oxygen. He could go into shock. Ah..ouch, shit. Grab his arms, now, hold him down."

The doctor had ripped open the front of the dying man's hospital gown, tracing a small tool along his chest and down the side of his ribs. "His lungs are filling with fluid. We need an emergency thoracentesis. Help me position him and keep him steady."

One of the other nurses rushes out while the two other help the doctor shift the struggling man to a sitting position. The nurse comes back with disenfectant and a large needle. The man in the rumpled military slacks is unable to move, frozen in panic. Watching the nurses struggle with the dying man he loved, watching as the doctor sticks the large needle in his back, watching as it filled with a murky white liquid as he slowly pulled back on the syringe. 

He felt nauseous, light headed, like he was about to pass out. He struggled to breath, as if he was drowning just as his lover was. He watched and could do nothing.


	9. Intermission II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little history....

“...No seriously though. He has an ass to die for. Like, I would take a shot for that ass. I would literally dive into a hail of gunfire to save that ass. Like, literally.”

The three men sitting around Corporal Leaks just stared at her with varying reactions on their faces, outright skepticism to careful neutrality. Finally one let out a laugh.

“Come off it Corporal. You would not die to save someone’s _ass_ , no matter how perfect you might think it is,” Private Reed finished his statement with a roll of the eyes.

She persisted. “You have seen it right? Perky and bouncy, even in his armor. I just want to take it in my hands and squeeze it!” The men continued to regard her with bewildered looks. She sighs. “What can I say, I’m an ass woman. Like me some ass.” She pauses briefly. “Do you think he uses biotics in bed? Because I know this trick that’ll blow his mind. It starts with creating a barrier around your finger and you slowly expand….”

“Ok, ok, enough Leaks. We don’t need to know what you do behind closed doors, thank you very much.” Sean runs a hand through his cropped hair and shrugs uncomfortably, as if trying to rid himself of the unwanted image.

“Oh come on now, LT, I know I’ve seen you staring at it during our training sessions. I know you liked what you saw. You’d hit that if you got the chance. Admit it!”

He flushes slightly and a sheepish grin creeps across his face. “Ok. So yeah, Commander Alenko has a fantastic ass, course I noticed it. Who wouldn’t? The Commander's ass is like,” he stops to ponder a bit, finger on his tapping his lips, “like...ah I don’t know. All I do know is that, yes, if I had the chance I would jump Alenko so fast…” He trails off as the smile on Leaks face fades into a look of horror. Reed had paled and Devans covered his face with his hands.

“Oh don’t stop on my account Lieutenant, please, you were just getting to the good part, right?” His stomach drops to the floor when he recognizes the voice.

Sean turns around slowly, “Uh...Commander Alenko...heh…” _Aww shit._

 

* * *

 

 

"Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuuucccckkkkk." Leaks was letting out a litany of curses as she continued to keep herself coated in a mass effect field, levitating a few inches off the ground. Her raven locks are plastered to her face with sweat. She gives Sean a glare to let him know the curses were directed his way. "Just had to keep on talking, eh LT? Foot in mouth moment."

Sean gives her a bewildered glance, nearly losing his mass effect field and touching the ground. "Me? Sarah you were the one who wouldn't stop...spouting crap...about his ass, egged me on....the whole way." He was panting, exhausted. "You could have...said...he was walking up to us." They'd been at this for hours. Not disciplinary action, no, just their regularly scheduled hell they called a "job". Training for a spot on the Alliance's coveted Biotic Spec Ops team. Using their biotics non-stop anywhere from 12-15 hours a day. It was grueling, hungry work. 

"Shut it both of you," Devans weazed out. "You're gonna get us into trouble again. We're lucky the Commander just laughed it off last time." He was visibly shaking, the strain of keeping his mass effect field up showing as he gritted his teeth. 

"This was the worst idea I've ever had. Seriously." Reed's face was scrunched into a frown, focusing all his strength into keeping up his biotics. "If I had know it would be like this...I would have never accepted the offer to train at the villa. Oh, shit." His blue glow flickered out and he dropped to his knees. "Shit."

The taser shot hits him in the back, dropping him on his face. With a disgusted snarl, one of the trainers drags his unconscious form off to lay with a few others who had touched the ground. Sean turns his focus back to staying afloat, he silently agrees with Reed.  _This sucks big time._

 

* * *

 

 

He looks at Sarah nervously, hands fidgeting at his side. She just rolls her eyes and shakes her head impatiently. Four months in and its just the two of them out of the original four that their squad started with. They were waiting for two new members to show up. Survivors of their own original squad. The room they sit in is plain, white walls and white floors. No decor except the small steel table with five chairs around it. He starts drumming his fingers on the table, earning an annoyed _tsk_ from Sarah.

Sean looks up from his fingers when the door slides open with a hiss. Staff Commander Alenko walks in with two others. A man and a woman, each with a look of determination on their faces. The man was tall and fit, blonde hair cropped in a standard marine cut. He was Nordic perfection, except for his green eyes. They were the most beautiful eyes. Sean struggled not to stare like a creeper. The woman was short and stocky, athletic, in a "I'd kick your ass" kind of way. Her dark skin shimmered slightly in the pale fluorescent light.

"Corporal Sarah Leaks, 2nd Lieutenant Sean Adams, meet your new squad mates, Gunnery Chief Moira Harn and Staff Lieutenant Nathan Werner." They all nod to each other, Sarah looking like she swallowed something sour. 

_She always hated being low on the totem pole._

The Commander continued, motioning the two new comers to the table. "We're currently working on finding you a fifth squad member. It's been determined that five will make the most impact for the types of missions we will have you assigned to. Any larger and you would have trouble with infiltration and stealth missions. Any less and you won't have the manpower." He stood at attention, hands held lightly behind his back. "I know this isn't easy, it reminds me of my own time back in the BAaT, except we haven't had any casualties...yet. Just drop outs. But believe me, if you can make it through this, you'll come out the other side well equipped to handle any situation you might encounter."

He pauses, looking each of them in the eye before continuing. "Grab a protein supp pack before you head out today, you're going to need the calories. Dismissed."

Sean groaned internally. They were packets of colorless goop that tasted like glue. Densely packed and high in protein and calories, it was a biotics best friend for a field snack.

They all hated it.

 

* * *

 

 

"Do you think the rumors are true then?" Sean looked up and the floating rock in front of him wobbled as he shifted his attention to Nate. 

"What rumors would you be referring to this time?" Nate was a terrible gossip, worse than Reed ever was. He turned his focus back on the 50lb rock he was lifting with a biotic field. They were doing laps in full armor today, while keeping a barrier up and creating mass effect fields to carry rocks back and forth. Sean felt like death. Seven months into the program and he was fitter than he had ever been in his entire life. His biotics were stronger and more refined and still they pushed for more. Demanded more power, more control. Others had broken, but his squad had stayed strong. All five. Sarah, Moira, Nate and Finn. 

"Commander Alenko and Commander Shepard. You know they served together on the Normandy before it went down. Rumor is, there was a  _thing_ between them." He put heavy emphasis on thing and waggled his eyebrows with a smile. It slowly faded. "You know...before the Commander went dark side with Cerberus." 

"Shut yer mouth Werner."  Sarah practically spat the words out. "You know Shepard died. The rumor that he is alive and working with Cerberus is just that, a rumor. And a damned stupid one too. Commander Shepard would never side with those bastards at Cerberus." 

"I heard from my brother, an eye witness, that Commander Shepard was seen on the Citadel, with none other than Garrus Vakarian. I mean, they were like war bro's right?" Moira's words were steady and her breathing even. She didn't even seem to be sweating all that much. She was a gifted biotic. "That has to mean its the real commander. Vakarian would know if it was fake Shepard, right?" 

"Look, when the rumors started to circulate, Commander Alenko seemed pretty shaken. Like he was having trouble trying to focus." Finns voice had the telltale lilt that betrayed his Irish roots, as if his red face and red hair didn't give it away. "Then he gets shipped out on an assignment thats all, hush hush? Odd coincidence, don't you think?" His face was a mask of focus, sweat running down his cheeks. 

"Right, but that isn't the rumor I was talking about. I'm talking about the fact that they probably banged." 

Sean let out a snort. "Very classy Nate." His rock wobbled again and he redoubled his efforts of keeping it afloat. 

 

* * *

 

 

"Whoah damn. What do you think has the Commander in such a bad mood?" Sarah was referring to the heated argument that Alenko had gotten into with one of the other trainers. It ended with said trainer flying, ass over heals, into one of the garbage cans in the mess hall. "Never seen him lose his cool like that."

Moira had a sappy look on her ebony face, large lips turned down in a pout. She was making a soft cooing noise while she twirled a finger in her dark curls. She'd fallen for the Commander, hard.

"Clearly, whatever mission he was on, it ended poorly." Sean rolled his shoulders uncomfortably. Seeing the Commander react like that was unsettling. Alenko was always such a calming presence. Now he stalked about like a mountain lion waiting to pounce. He was short tempered and lashed out easily.

Nate let out a forced laugh before he quietly spoke. "Hopefully he worked his aggression out with that Staff Lieutenant so he won't try to kill us today." They had him for their instructor for evening session. They were all dreading it.

"Just make sure you take a protein supp packet before we head out. Maybe two. I have a horrible feeling we're gonna need it." 

Sarah snorts and rolls her eyes. "Aye aye, LT."

He was right of course. 

Later that night, after pushing their biotics to the max, Sean lay awake on his bunk. He heard the muffled cries of one of his squad mates. He was fighting the waves of his own migraine and knew the others were in the same situation. One year and two months into it. 

"We're gonna make it" he whispers softly to the air.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random note. I can't be the only one who created a tag for Kaidan's ass. I was shocked that nothing like that popped up as I was adding it. Like, what the heck Mass Effect community? I r dissapoint D:


	10. Intermission III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> War games, shower talk and shore leave.

\---------------------------------------------------------

He ducked behind the boulder as shots flew past his head. He was panting heavily. His barrier flickered feebly once, twice and then faded. He couldn't maintain it anymore. His shields were still working at least. He'd have to rely on that until he could get his shit together.

A voice crackled over the comms. Moira. It was hushed and underlined with exhaustion. "Three hostiles approaching from the southwest. They'll be on your position momentarily Sean." He cursed internally.

Taking a chance, he lifted his head and did a quick scan. The shot took him full in the face, shattering his shielding instantly, his body falling limply to the ground.

"Damn, looks like you died LT." Sarah's voice was dripping with disdain as it drifted over the comms. "I'll miss yer ugly mug. Maybe if you had your fucking barrier up."

 

* * *

 

He cursed his own stupidity while hot water ran down his aching body. It had been a stupid move. Still, he wasn't really sure what else he could have done in the situation. Sending out cover fire would have easily given away his position, doing a quick once over _should_  have been the safer choice.

Maybe that was the point, sometimes you don't have any good choices, sometimes you die. It was a battlefield, soldiers die. 

He lets out a defeated sigh and goes back to scrubbing his head and face with soap. He hears the quiet swish indicating someone entering the showers. He recognizes the boisterous and loud Irish accent instantly. Finn. As well as the more subdued, deep voice, Nate.

"But you did see that shot I made right? It was a thing of beauty. Took that mech out and when he blew, took out two more." He lets out a barrel of laughter and Nate chuckles along. Finns laugh is contagious. 

"Oh I saw it alright. I also saw you go down right after because you were too busy admiring your own handiwork." Nate teases while shaking his head gently. 

He casually swings his towel over his shoulder as he turns on the shower. Comfortable in his nakedness. Sean blushes slightly and stares at his feat, letting the water was away the suds. 

"How yah doing over there LT?" Nate asks over the noise of the water. "That hit to the face did not look pretty." 

"And that fall, eh Sean? No grace at all. Crying shame." Finn's voice is playful, taking the sting out of his words.

Sean sighs quietly and tries to return the playful banter. "Next time I'll make sure to add a nice spin to it, yeah? Maybe top it off with some jazz hands?" His reward is a snort and chuckle from Nate and his heart flutters. 

After he had been shot and "died" he was stuck laying there for another half hour, frozen, his armor locked in place as he fell. Either the rest of his squamates had to "die" or they had to complete the objective. He heard their chatter and strategies on the comms, unable to speak or add anything. Just listen. Finn went down five minutes after he had. Sarah had used herself as a diversion so that Nate and Moira could complete the objective. It was five minutes after she "died" that the objective was complete and the simulation ended. His suit unfroze and he was able to move again.

_At least her "death" meant something. She didn't "die" pointlessly._

He was stirred out of his thoughts, realizing Nate had said something directed to him. "What was that? Lost in my head, sorry."

"He was saying, since you ducked out of the debrief early, that we were the only squad to complete the objective." Finn's voice was filled with barely contained excitement. Despite his best efforts, Sean turns to Nate, keeping his eyes focused on his face only. It wasn't as hard as he expected. He was grinning like a maniac, green eyes sparkling. 

"Our reward for this was shore leave. A whole week!" He felt himself being pulled into that smile, those eyes, so deep. "They're even letting us take, and I'm quoting this here, the bloody screw ups that got themselves killed." His smile falters a bit before he gets it back, as if unsure he should have said that last bit.

Sean lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. A smile comes to his face, "Hell yeah! Lets tear shit up!" The other guys whoop and holler. 

 

* * *

 

He stares, mouth slightly agape, at the dance floor. The music is loud and the club is dark, spotlights of varying colors spinning about. He can feel the beat of the music thrumming through his head, his body. His beer sits forgotten in his hand. Sarah looks at him, follows where his eyes are, snorts and rolls her eyes. She's smiling though.

Nate is a force of nature on the dance floor. His body flowing and swaying to the music. His movements are fluid, graceful. Moira at his side. They've drawn a crowd, women dancing with him, grinding on him. He goes with it. Huge smile on his face. Guys try to dance with Moira and she's enjoying the attention. Girl knows how to move her body.

Finn looks at Sarah, looking at Sean, looking at Nate. He gives a disgusted growl. "Now that's just not right." He flings his hands to the air in exasperation. "I mean, really? He's too perfect. Handsome, ripped, death on the battlefield and now, now he can bloody dance. Hello? Someone, anyone?" No response is forthcoming. "I need more to drink." He gets up with a huff and wanders over the the bar.

Sean finally remembers his drink and takes a long pull from the bottle, flushing as he notices Sarah staring, a knowing smile on her face. "Sooo....lover boy. You gonna hit that or what? Cuz if you don't make a move, you're gonna miss out to..." she looks out at the dance floor again, "at least five women and maybe...two dudes?"

Sean looks out at Nate again and sighs. "No. We have a good thing going and I don't want to fuck with team dynamics."

Sarah's face scrunches in a scowl and she's about to say something when a wobbly voice interrupts, "Heeeyyyy pretty laaaady." The man leans a hand on the table, wobbles and then steadies himself. He's got a slightly clouded look to his eyes but he's hot and he's wearing a tight shirt that shows off his muscular physique. Tight pants show off his assets and it's not lost on Sarah. "You wanna drink orrrr hit the dance floor with me?"

She gives him a look over again, mutters a "what the hell" and takes his offered hand. She turns back to Sean to say something but stops, smiles and wanders off with the stranger. 

He feels a tap on his shoulder. Turning he sees Nate's face, a slight shean of sweat on his forehead. His green eyes glimmer in the low light, focused on him. "Dance with me Sean."

"What?!"

Nate smiles wider. "Dance with me."

"Yeah....ok."

 

* * *

 

He's being led by the hand into Nate's apartment, both stumbling, both laughing. It's dark and cold and Sean wraps his arms around himself as Nate fiddles with the thermostat. 

"Haven't been back in a while" he mumbles. He looks over to Sean as he hits the lights on. "My sister checks in on the place from time to time," answering Sean's unasked question. 

He looks at the place, it's a studio apartment, open and a bit retro with the industrial look. Exposed beams and piping still being a thing for some people. The kitchen and dining room overlooked the living space, brown leather couch facing a large flat screen TV. Further beyond that the bed hides behind a privacy screen. All in all it's nice, cozy even in it's openness. 

Nate smiles mischievously, swiping his omnitool, a fireplace under the TV springs to life, music playing gently in the background. He waggled his eyebrows and Sean has to admit, it's all pretty hot.

He goes in for a kiss, tongue swiping along Nate's lips as he pulls away. He trails his fingers slowly down his chest and Nate shudders under his touch, he stops when he hits the belt line. Leans in again for another kiss, stronger this time, more needy. And then it's over, the teasing, the playfulness. It's been too long for either of them and they need this, need it _now._

Clothes fly in different directions as they struggle towards the bed. Then they're on the bed, hands exploring, tongues tasting skin. Nate takes him in his mouth and his world is on fire, focuses on that touch, that feeling. He's reduced to incoherent mumbling and soft gasps and fuck if this wasn't the best shore leave ever.

 

* * *

 

"Uhh...so we're gonna have to go out if we want breakfast...or anything really." 

Sean looks up from the sink, razer in hand. "Coffee? Tea?"

Nate saunters over to him, clad only in his boxers. "Nothing in the cabinets that I would trust." He shrugs, "I know a good place we can walk to, makes some amazing omelets." He slides his arms around Sean's waist and tickles him with kisses up his neck and behind the ear.

Laughing, Sean bats him away. "If you don't let me finish, we'll never get there. Get some clothes on, you're distracting me."

Nate nips affectionately at his ear, his voice is husky as he whispers. "Maybe thats what I want." He grinds his hips against Sean, hands removing the towel and reaching lower.

His breath catches, and he lets out a pleased hum. "We could always do brunch."

 

* * *

 

All too soon shore leave was over. The week passing by in a rushing blur. Sean stood by the shuttle that would take him back to the villa, bag slung over his shoulder, making small talk with the shuttle pilot. After spending five days with Nate at his place, he felt guilty and visited his parents for the other two.

He was the first to arrive back at the shuttle. He checks his omnitool after the pilot goes to start final preparations. The shuttle was set to leave in half an hour. He looked around at the empty hangar, focusing on the steel beams crisscrossing the ceiling. 

It was bittersweet, on one hand he itched to get back at it, training so he could get into the fight. The other, he wanted to spend every morning like he had with Nate, lazy, no rushing...naked. He flushes at the memory. 

"Heeeyyyy lover boy. Where's your arm candy?" He turns and sees Sarah walking towards him, a cocky strut in her stride. 

"Someone got laid, eh?" He shot back at her, grinning.

"Yes, multiple times, thanks for noticing." She pats her hair and preens under his gaze. He snorts and rolls his eyes.

"You see any of the others on your way here?"

She nods, "Yeah, Finn was trying to pry himself from his mothers arms, Moira was busy snogging some guy and I didn't see Nate. Thought I'd find you together?" She arches her eyebrow at the question.

He runs a hand through his hair, "Nah, we split to visit our respective families." 

"Got it. Sucks that it's over so soon."

"Hey, we'll be the envy of every other squad once we get back. You'll get to bask in their jealousy."

"Hmmm, good point."

\-------------------------------------------------------

One year and four months. The end was in sight. They just had to make it.


	11. A Life Worth Living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today is not like yesterday, tomorrow is not like today.

 

_\---------------------------------------------------------------_

 

_Look back and reflect on your life, see the moments that stand out to you, that have shaped you, impacted you, changed you. Look at the past events that show you the life you lived, the life you ARE living, was worth it. Is worth it. What moments, good and bad, have made this life worth living?_

_I’m trying to bring those moments into focus. It’s been a day. Up and down, fuck sideways even. I’m on a roller coaster and I can’t see the tracks, where the hill ends, where the free fall begins. It all happens suddenly._

_One moment I am fine, steady? Like I’m walking on a flat, straight path. The next moment, the path in gone and I’m falling, anxiety striking like a coiled serpent. Or grief suddenly smothering me in a black fog._

_Today feels like death. Again. I can’t stop my hands from shaking, I feel like I’m made of glass, any small thing might shatter me to pieces._

_That wound in my chest? The gnawing ache is back and it’s infected every limb in my body. I’ve cried so many times today but it’s not working like it used to. The pain isn’t fading to that dull ache, something that I feel but muted. It's affecting everything._

_I look out the window and it’s beautiful outside and I want to scream. So I shut the blinds but the darkness of my room is a suffocating abyss. Fuck, what do you do? How do you not turn to alcohol or drugs, something, anything to turn it off? My skin itches, like I want to scrape it off. I’m going crazy. How do you stop from eating a bullet?_

_You look back and reflect on your life. See the moments that make this worth living. I don’t want to die. Not really. It’s dishonorable to his memory. He’d want me to live. Being in love with him, being with him, that made life worth living. So I hold on to him, to my memories of us._

_Will I ever love someone like that again? I don’t know. I hope so._

_I don’t know if it’ll ever be the same. If I’ll ever get through this. Time heals all wounds, so they say. I say bullshit. Eight months and I am in a fucking downward spiral and I don’t know where I’ll land._

_Yesterday wasn’t like this, tomorrow may not be like this._ _I can make it through today. I have what it takes to make it through today._

_Dad said I need to see someone, I brushed it off at first, but today, today makes me think I really really do. Swallow my pride, I already know I need help. Just have to make that first plunge._

_His leg has finally healed to the point where they can start the process for a prosthetic. I know he's excited about it. He has to go to the twin cities for his appointments, nothing in Two Harbors or Duluth for that kind of medical procedure. I’ll set up an appointment with an Alliance psych and we’ll kill two birds with one stone._

_Just gotta take the plunge, swallow my pride. Tomorrow is another day, filled with promise, not darkness. There are things in this life worth living for. Just have to find them._

 

* * *

 

He closes the journal and stares at it blankly. He stays this way for a long while. He takes slow, deep breaths, each one deliberate, focused. He looks up, stares at the closed blinds on the window, mutters under his breath.

Standing up he begins pacing around the room, hands shoved in his pockets, eyes on the floorboards. Back and forth, back and forth. He stops, wraps his arms around himself, lets out a shudder and a soft whimper.

  
He goes back to pacing, back and forth, back and forth….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to our regularly scheduled angst. I know you love to hate it.


	12. Better Days II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you do when you begin to build a life with someone and they die? How do you pick up the pieces?

\------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Do you….” He stops, takes a deep breath before continuing, “Will you...oh god, why is this so hard to ask. Like I’m some fucking teenager.” He scrubs his hands along his face and looks up at me sheepishly. His eyes pull in the light but are filled with uncharacteristic self doubt.

I kiss away the lines on his forehead, feeling him relax under my touch. I trail lower till our lips meet, opening gently to each other.

It’s one of those precious moments we have together. Some private time for each other in between missions. I pull back and stare into those fucking dreamy eyes. Less fear, more peace, a little lust. I feel my chest warming.

“Go ahead Nate. Ask me….” He bites his lower lip, it drives me crazy and he knows it.

He huffs dramatically, rolls his shoulders, “Move in with me Sean.”

“...what?”

He grins, “Move in with me.”

  
“Yeah...ok.”

 

* * *

 

 

He woke from the dream slowly. Light filtering through the shades lazily. He kept his eyes closed, stuck in that limbo, half awake, half asleep, somewhere in between.

If he stayed just so, he could imagine he felt the slight dip of Nate's weight on the bed beside him, his warmth filling up the blankets, the sound of his soft breaths.

Tracing his hands in the air where his back would be, fingers running down his spine and feeling the shudders he would make.

 

He chokes off a sob, snapping to full reality.

"I miss you so much Nate. I don't know how to do this without you. Never thought I'd have to..."

The silence was deafening. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not crying as I write this...its just super dusty in here. So very dusty.


	13. Vulnerability I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breaking thought spirals and making yourself vulnerable to a stranger is one of the hardest things to do, as our solider is about to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> March 4th, 2188 CE - 11 months since the Reaper War ended

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The fog hung thick in the air today. It drifted lazily through the streets, enveloping anything more than five feet away. It made the city look as if it was floating in the clouds, hid the streets from his view on the tenth floor window. It was thick enough to hide certain parts of the city that were still being rebuilt. He stared at the fog to avoid staring at the man sitting across from him.

The room they sat in was comfortable, in both temperature and design. Soft sea green painted the walls with white and pale blue accents. The chairs they both sat in were positioned “just so” by the floor to ceiling windows and a fireplace crackled cheerily between them.

It was all meticulously designed to inspire peace and calming. His hands fidgeted in his lap, he was not calm, he was not feeling peaceful.

“It’s a beautiful view, right? The fog gives it all an ethereal quality, don’t you think?” Sean looks at the man speaking, meets his piercing green eyes, partially hidden behind thick frame glasses, winces and goes back to staring out the window. “You still never answered my question though.”

His twitching hands still for a moment, clears his throat, attempts a jovial tone, fails. “I don’t think I really understood what you were asking.” He flicks his eyes to the other man and quickly back to the window.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, Sean’s hands picking at a loose string in the stitching of his shirt. The other man seems content to wait him out which frustrates him to know end. He steals another glance at the other man.

He was short, maybe 5’6-5’7”, dirty blonde hair sprinkled with grey in a close cropped buzz cut, maybe late forties, early fifties. He had a serene look on his face, sitting comfortably in the soft leather chair, hands folded on his lap. He wore a beige cardigan and blue jeans, far more casual than he had been expecting for an Alliance Psych.

And those fucking green eyes that tore through his defenses. Maybe this had been a mistake.

He had that edge to him though, the look of a someone who served in the military, fought and saw some shit. Serenity on his face be damned. Point of fact, he’d been seeing that in a lot of people lately, military or not. Everyone saw some shit during the Reaper War, civilians took up arms and fought and died beside Alliance marines, everyone gave up something.

“Maybe we’re all just fucked up now, Humanity, shit, even the Turians, Asari. We’re all fucked up and everyone is crying and screaming, trapped in their brains, clawing their way to anything that looks like it’ll stop us from sinking. Hiding it all behind smiles, projects, rebuilding, anything to distract us from the reality, that this is our life.” He looks at the man in beige, studying for any sort of reaction, a break in that stupidly calm face of his.

His shrink looks at him quietly for what feels like hours, which is only maybe a minute, and a small smile of understanding tweaks his lips. “Or maybe you’re projecting your own mental battle on everyone around you so you can feel normal, less isolated. If everyone is going through the same thing then you’re ok, you have some measure of control.” He shrugs, “That still wasn’t the answer to my question.”

He clenches his fingers together and looks at the other man, looks at his green eyes that pierce, that needle him, dig at him, tear down his walls. A sneer slowly forms on his face, he opens his mouth but the words are stuck, lodged in his throat. He hisses in frustration.

“Are you contemplating suicide Sean?” The words sting as if he had been slapped, just like the first time he asked the question. “Please, it’s very important that I know.”

Sean lurches up violently to start pacing back and forth between the windows. If his sudden movements startled the man in beige he covered it well, not even a flicker danced across his passive face. His eyes just gently following the pacing man.

His thoughts are dashing through his mind in time with his jerky strides. Disjointed and incoherent words muttered under his breath.

“Speak up Sean, you’re mumbling.” He glances to the man in the chair but he was not there, no he was in front of him, a gentle but firm hand on his shoulder, eyes boring into his own. “Stop.” The words are as firm as his grip. Somehow they reach into his brain and he shudders once, takes a deep breath and feels his thoughts slow, his heart rate falling back into normal patterns.

The man in beige drops his hand and nods. “Good. That is something I’ll have you work on, when you’re thoughts are spiraling out of control. A verbal queue can be enough sometimes. Just saying stop out loud can halt the thought spiral enough for you to break out of it.” He motions to the chair for them to sit again, but Sean shakes his head. He goes over to lean against the window, to stare into the world covered in fog. To feel the cool seep through the thick glass and roll through his shoulder. To take a few more deep, calming breaths.

The man in beige leans his back against the glass, choosing to rest his head against the cool glass and close his eyes. Sean glances at him, taking the opportunity to study him. He wondered what was going on in his brain. Wanting to somehow out-shrink his shrink.

He lets out a huff. “The answer to your question is yes.  And then its no. And yes again, and then no. So, really, I don’t know.” He looks back to the city skyline when his shrink opens his eyes and turns his body towards him.

  
“Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

_Why is it so hard to be honest with someone, a professional, who you are literally paying to listen to you ramble on and on about your problems and your messed up life? I mean seriously, what a joke. I spent most of the hour dancing around his questions, trapped in my own thoughts, starting out that stupid window. It was so fucking uncomfortable. Opening up. Admitting that I didn't know if I wanted to live or to die._

_On one side, it feels like it would be dishonorable to Nate's memory to kill myself, throwing away what we fought for, what he died for. On the other, hes dead and I'm here, and I'm pissed, and hurting and what the hell does it matter what a dead man would have wanted for me anyways. Fuck. Part of me is scared as well, like they'll lock me up in the nut house, throw me in a padded room to live out the rest of my miserable days. Miserable but alive._

_I keep telling myself, today is not like yesterday, tomorrow is not like today. It's become my mantra. The hope that tomorrow will be better. Its true, some days are better than others, and some days are far worse. And its those days, when I fall into the pit, the smothering dark. Those days are the dangerous days. Those days are the days that make you ask the question, "Is it worth it?"_

_I don't really know if this will help me or not, seeing the shrink. But what I am doing on my own is only bringing me so far, I have hit a wall and I know I won't get over it alone. So here we go, desperate times and such. I'll see the shrink again, I'll look into his insufferable green eyes. I'll be honest, I'll spill my guts. And if it works, it works. If not...well. I'll find something else._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the length of time in between posts. I found myself stopping and starting this multiple times this week. Sorry if the finished product is a bit rough. I'm just glad to have it out of my brain and in type.


	14. Vulnerability II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little more comfortable, a little more open, a little more honest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> March 18th, 2188 CE - 11 Months After the Reaper War Ended

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

“You know they are hosting a memorial service? In London, April 19th, the one year anniversary of the war ending on Earth.” He is staring out of the huge floor to ceiling windows again. The city skyline was covered in a golden hue, the sunlight giving it a radiance he had not seen in a long while. 

Spring was finally breaking through Winter’s tight grasp and the world was coming alive again after its long sleep. “I had heard they were building a huge memorial wall where the final push was made. A lot of names will be on that wall.” 

“Think you’ll go?” Sean looks over at the man sitting in the leather chair. Hands once again folden in his lap, a look of curiosity on his normally impassive face. He’s wearing a deep green sweater with his jeans this time. It clashes with his eyes.

The question hangs in the air unanswered for a few moments, Sean staring at his shrink...at Richard, and Richard just starting back, waiting with his infinite patience.

He shrugs. “No...no I don’t think I’ll be going. Too many memories there. Maybe the following year, if they make it an annual thing.” He turns his gaze back towards the windows and that beautiful view. 

Biting his lip he twiddles his thumbs nervously. Steals a quick glance at the other man and lets out a nervous breath. Honesty, he promised himself honesty with this man. “I’m nervous I’d freak out and have an episode there.”

Richard leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. “Has that happened before?”

Sean scratches at his pant leg idly, gathering his courage. “Yeah, a few times. The most recent was after our second meeting. Dad and I had stopped at a coffee shop before heading back home.” He glances out at the window again, unable to meet the green eyes watching him. “We were sitting there, chatting about his prosthetic and the potential for them to clone him a new leg.” He smiles quickly. “Fucking science, damn its crazy stuff. I mean, a new leg? Really.”

“I agree, science is amazing, but you’re stalling.” 

“Ok...sorry, this is just, it feels really stupid. Like I shouldn’t have reacted like I did. Fucking embarrassing really.” He takes a deep breath before continuing. “So we’re sitting there, chatting and I hear this loud bang, like, it reverberating through my whole body. Next thing I know I’m under the table, barrier up, dad dragged right down there with me.” 

He clenches his hands into fists. “It was just some employee who dropped the metal garbage container while he was changing the bag. So fucking stupid. Yet, in that moment, I had felt under siege, my heart racing, adrenaline pumping, ready to blast the shit out of anything that threatened us.” He shrugs helplessly. “Took a moment for me to calm down, dad clutching my shoulders, whispering it was ok, that we were safe. People were staring at me like I was crazy, dangerous. They were afraid of me.” 

“By displaying your biotics you mean?” After the war the Alliance brass had talked up the merits of their biotic soldiers being a huge asset in the war, saving countless lives. Maybe it changed the opinions of some, but overall, the distrust and fear of biotics remained. 

“I guess, sure. But more than that. The way I reacted, even if I hadn’t shown my biotics, I think the result would have been the same.” He balls up his fists again. “So I think, if I went to London, to the place where I almost died a hundred times over…” He sighs. “I don’t really know what could happen, what might set off another episode.”

Richard nods, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands again. “I think you’re fears are legitimate. Memories can be treacherous things, we never really know what will trigger something. A scent, a sound, a touch, a visual reminder. I’m glad your father was with you. Maybe just watch the service on the news. I’m sure there will be a lot of vid coverage.”

“Yeah, I’m sure. They have Commander Shepard making some sort of speech, I guess. Feels a bit wrong really. From the sporadic reports, he’s still in recovery from the events on the Citadel. Should let the man rest after all he's done.”

“It does feel like they are exploiting him, using him as their trophy boy, their symbol.” Sean gives him a surprised nod. It was easy to forget this man was military himself. So mild and calm. He knew the score. 

“Like they forgot that he’s a soldier, that he’s a fucking human being with all the shit that goes along with that.” His voice had become hard a more than a little bitter. “They just use us up until there is nothing left, and even then they demand more…”

They both were silent a while after that. Both content to leave it that way. 

  
Eventually the silence had to be broken and Richard is the one to do it. “Ok, I think that we’re done today.” He stands up and goes over to his desk in the corner of the room, ruffles through a file until he finds the sheet he needs. “There are a few things I want to you to try before we meet next time…”

 

 

 


	15. Dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dreaming men are haunted men" - Steven Vincent Benet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little smutty to begin with, so there's that.

 

\--------------------------------------------

I trail my fingers along his stomach, tracing the grooves between taught muscles, enjoying the firmness of the man I love. He's just laying there, eyes closed, hands behind his head, content smile on his face, savoring the sensation. I trail a bit lower, to his naval, swirling my finger around it. 

I'm paying close attention to his face, listening intently to his breathing, attempting to memorize this moment, this man. I lower my lips to string quick kisses up his body, to his neck and slowing as I reached his lips. He lets out a moan that sends shivers down my spine and settles deep in my chest. 

I strattle his waist and deepen our kiss, opening to his probing tongue. I gently begin to rock my hips back and forth, grinding into him, he lets out another moan and our breathing quickens, his hips thrusting up. I feel the solidness of his erection pressing against my own, a low growl escaping my throat.

A low buzzing noise, growing steadily louder starts to steal my attention, distracting me from Nate. As if in response to this he puts arms around my waist and pulls me tighter, closer to him. But the buzzing is reaching a painful level, ringing inside my scull. A moan escapes my lips, but not one of pleasure. I pull away from his embrace, hands clutching my aching head. I turn to look behind me, trying to find the source of the noise. It's in that moment I feel the shift.

I look back down but Nate is gone. The buzzing is gone. I let out a hesitant "Nate?"

So odd, where did he run off to? I slide off the bed thinking he must have used the restroom. I open the door to check. 

Sarah's sitting at the steel table, glumly eating a densely packed protein bar. She looks up, brown eyes tired. "Hey lover boy. I think he went down that hall."

"Thanks." I nod and follow where she is pointing. The hall is dark and empty. I follow it, a growing fear nesting itself above my heart. "Nate?" 

There is a door at the end of the hall, the room behind it small, white, steril, sparsely furnished. Just a bed and a chair beside it. The quiet and steady beep of a vitals monitor is the only sound. Nate is laying on the bed, hooked up to IV's and other technological devices.

I smile. "Hey, there you are." The fear growing larger, burrowing deeper the longer I stand there. I reach out, slowly, so fucking slowly, as if he was miles away, my reach spanning continents, star systems. I can almost touch him when I am knocked to the ground, face pressed to the broken pavement.

I rise to my feet, whip my shotgun around to blast a hole through the husk that bowled me over. Then on to the next and then the next, unleashing a Nova when too many got too close. 

I scream out "NATE!" Desperately looking for him, he's there, on the hospital bed, unmoving, but no, he's over there, surrounded by husks, shooting his pistol and what little biotics he could muster in defense. 

I move to him and it's that infinite slowness again. Mere moments, but hours, decades, an eternity, he's laying there, dying in a hospital bed and yet he's over there, being mauled to death by husks. 

And then it's me in the hospital bed, gasping for air, flailing. And it's me, buried beneath claws and gnashing teeth. And it's Nate, dying as the wall of red flames approaches us, drawing ever closer, promising and end and I'm dying in the bed and I'm drowning in the husks and I'm standing here, in the middle of it all, weeping blood, clawing at my eyes, screaming, screaming, I'm screaming, I'm fucking screaming.

An end

 

an End

screaming.....

* * *

 

He thrashes in his sleep, twisting violently, whimpering as he grasps and claws at empty air. Face twisted in pain and fear. Finally he gains release, finding it in consciousness. 

He lets out a shaky breath, a terrified laugh escaping his lips. He reaches out trembling hands and grasps his knees, pulls them to his chest. He rocks back and forth, nervous laughter bubbling up here and there. He stays like this, rocking back and forth, tears leaking from his eyes until the first light of dawn streams through his window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a really bad dream last night, sorry Sean.


	16. Intermission IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The endless waiting...

 

\-----------------------------------

 

They had moved him to a different room, smaller but more comfortable. The room was not stark white, it had a warm cream paint and a bright window that looked out over the London skyline. The pale curtains stayed closed most days. No need to look outside to be reminded of the destruction caused by the Reapers. No, all you had to do was look at the unresponsive man in the bed for that.

After the last terrifying episode things had settled. His body slowly healed, the infections faded but he would not wake up.

He was connected to a breathing tube now, a little machine pumped air to lungs that would no longer move on their own. They were in the terminal wards now, left there while they waited for him to die, or not.

Aside from the comatose man there was only one other soul in the room. The soldier held the comatose man's hand. Gently traced the knuckles and new scars, whispered soft pleas.

"Come back to me, I'm waiting. I'll always be waiting."

The doctors were trying to be realistic, there was a high chance he would never wake up again. While not technically brain dead, the comatose man had been unresponsive for too long. They talked about pulling the plug, letting him slip away gently. Resources were stretched thin and the more they spent on the comatose man, the less they had for others. Realists trying to be practical. It was the soldier's choice. He was listed as the comatose man's Guardian should anything happen to him, his body entrusted to him to make final arrangements if necessary. 

The soldier's choice had been to light up his biotics, threaten the doctors to _Get the hell out before I throw you out._

They had not brought it up since. So he stayed by his side, clutched his had, stroked his forehead, whispered and begged for him to wake up, to open his eyes.

He waited a long time before the day came when he didn't. When the decision, the waiting was taken away from him. The day they pulled the plug, the day they held him down, biotic dampeners clasped on his wrists. He was helpless once more as the man he loved died before him.


	17. Intermission V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit more history before we get to the finish line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, this is a long one. Ok, enjoy some flashback stuff.

March 1st, 2186 CE

\---------------------------------

 

Their graduation was short, with little to no “pomp.” It was actually pretty disappointing really. After all the work they did, the shit they went through. One year and seven months spent training. But it also made sense. Bigger things were looming overhead.

Commander Shepard had returned and surrendered himself to Alliance Authority, on trial for pending court martial. That got people's tongues wagging. It was a rumor mill at the villa. Everyone having their own “theory” on what happened. All them having to do with Cerberus and what the Commander could have been doing working with them.

What actually happened was so highly classified that no one had any idea who actually knew anything. There were admirals in the dark for god sake. That didn’t stop people from pretending they knew. “A friend of a friend told me this”, or “My father is privy to special information…” or even, “well I know the Commander personally.” Total shit show. The fact that the brass at Alliance HQ were being so tight lipped about the whole thing was not helping either. A simple statement would have been better than saying nothing.

There was other disturbing news floating around as well. Rumors about Batarian colonies in the Skyllian Verge being wiped out by unknown forces. Little to go on but it had people on edge.

And so, their graduation ceremony consisted of a short speech by a few of the programs higher ups. The recruits who completed the spec ops training, 24 of them, five squads, were given an ICT or “N” designation. Those that already had one were given the next rank, which is how Sean found himself with a “commemorative” N4 pin, that he could not wear, and a small bump in his pay scale.

They were waiting in a small debriefing room for their first mission. They had one day of shore leave and then were shipping out. Destination unknown for the moment.

Finn was doing an uncoordinated jig, hips moving and legs flying. He was never invited to the villa before spec ops training, he was N1 and proud as a peacock.

Sarah sat with arms crossed and a bored expression on her face, her own commendation of N1 folded haphazardly in her pocket. She always tried to play it cool, but Sean was pretty sure she was pleased with herself.

Moira had shocked them all when she was given N6 and was told, depending on how this and subsequent missions went, she had N7 waiting for her. She had just nodded and said a simple “thank you.”

Nate had accepted his N5 designation with that brilliant smile of his and a vigorous handshake. He sat at the table now, brow rumpled in thought, absentmindedly chewing his fingernails. It wasn’t long before they’d all succumbed to the nervous energy in the room, falling prey to their own thoughts. They’d been waiting thirty minutes before the swish of the door brought their attention back to the present.

The commanding officer was one they had not met before, he stood before them, browsing a datapad before giving them a good once over.

His crisp navy blues were formal attire, he was decked out in medals and commendations. A big shot then. Seans eyes scanned for the telltale symbol that would give his rank and his eyes widened. An admiral.

"Alright, looks like we have two infiltrators, two vanguards and one sentinel. Not a bad combination." He looks everyone in the eye and nods. "Good. Staff Lieutenant Werner, you are in charge of this squad, go ahead and pick your second at your discretion. From here on out you will be working high risk, high reward intel operations. If you get caught or die in the field, the alliance will disavow having any knowledge of you or your operations." He pauses to let that sink in before continuing. "Major Alenko will in charge of the various squads and will be determining when and where to send to you to best make use of your unique abilities. Welcome to the 1st Special Operations Biotic Company." He tries to hide a frown forming on his face but fails.

"We're sending you into Batarian space. We had intel on a group of Alliance scientists who were trapped and being held hostage by Batarian terrorists. The Hegemony had officially denied any affiliation with the terrorist group but we highly doubt that. Its gone dark now though. We have no idea what you'll encounter but are confident that you'll assess the situation and handle it according to your training."

He puts the datapad on the table and folds his hands behind his back, standing at parade rest. "We need you to infiltrate the compound where the scientists are being held, rescue the scientists if you can, but it is absolutely imperative that you back up and then destroy any data you find related to what the scientists were working on. Kill the Batarians if you must, but we'd like to avoid any galactic incident with the Hegemony. You'll receive your full debriefs via omnitool message. It will be encrypted. I should not have to remind you, but I will anyway, this mission IS top secret. No waggling tongues. Understood?" He receives a bunch of stiff nods as his answer. "Good, dismissed."

 

* * *

 

"Oh my god, what a prick!" Sarah is seething, hands flailing wildly as she paces the small debriefing room after the unnamed admiral leaves. She makes a face and mocks the man loudly. "No waggling tongues. What the fuck? What are we, five? Prick!"

She fades into incoherent muttering and flings herself into a chair, arms crossed and a scowl upon her brow.

Finn clears his throat nervously, glancing at Sarah. "Well, I think we need to celebrate. I just got N1 and we're shipping off tomorrow. What better time than now to get blitzed?" His voice had grown louder until it ended in a triumphant roar.

Nate jumps up and joins him with an equally loud "hear hear!"

"I suppose hitting the clubs would be a fitting way to celebrate, I want to go dancing!" Moira was smiling as she twirled her curls with a finger. "Like Finn said, we're shipping out tomorrow. Better make the most of it tonight!"

Sean just nods simply and Sarah looses some of the tension in her shoulders. "Fine, but you guys are helping me get laid tonight."

 

* * *

 

They both lay panting, covered in sweat...among other things, legs tangled in blankets. Sean rested his head on Nate's chest. He trailed his fingers along his stomach, tracing the muscles with gentle touches. The intensity and need of their lovemaking had surprised him. Perhaps it shouldn't have. They were headed on a mission with limited information, limited resources and could easily end up dead. Who wouldn't be fucking their brains out before something like that. The thought brings a smile to his lips.

Finn probably. Poor guy.

He'd sent a vid message to his parents letting them know about his graduation, his commendation and that he was on mission starting tomorrow, that he loved them and would contact them when he was home again. It had been brief and vague, he felt only slightly guilty about it. He'd had other things on his mind. Like sex. Lots of sex. They'd made it to Nate's apartment without hassle after the club. Settled in for five minutes before jumping each other.

His smile widened at the memory. Like a teenager again, always horny and no amount of sex is ever enough.

Against his will his eyes slid to the clock, counted down the time they had left together before it was professional distance and a-typical soldier banter. Six hours. Too soon. Better make the most of it.

 

* * *

 

March 20th, 2186 CE

\----------------------

 

The flight through Batarian controlled space, while nerve wracking, was uneventful. The ship they were on was small but fast with low heat emissions from the eezo core named the VS3-Ammon. Good for stealth missions and terrible for any sustained combat. The pilot was an old grouch of a man named Roberts. He grumbled under his breath and complained about everything. The food, the long hours at the helm, going into Batarian space without a fleet, etc.

Sean was grateful that he could escape the man _most_  of the time. It was a small ship after all. 

It took only a few days of FTL travel and two Relay jumps before they reached their objective. It was a small moon off an volatile gas giant in the Antaeus cluster. Their initial scans didn't pick up much activity but when they left on the shuttle everyone was on edge.

The facility was dark.

Sean felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, a feeling of dread coiling deep within his belly. It all felt wrong and he had to take a few deep breaths to steady his nerve. Then moon had relatively normal gravity thanks to its proximity to the red giant so the shuttle had landed a few klicks away and they approached on foot. They had also wanted to avoid the two anti-aircraft guns mounted to the facilities roof.

The fact that they encountered no resistance as they approached only added to the "wrongness" of the whole situation. Sure, it was a stealth and infiltration unit, but surely there should have been guards posted about, patrols along the border.

They reached the facility entrance unmolested. The doors themselves battered and ripped open. It did not bode well. Nate's voice was quiet as it crackled over the comms. "Ok, this is all kinds of wrong but we have a job to do folks, so let's get to it. Moira, Sarah, do a quick recon and get back here. No stupid shit, no heroics and no engaging enemy forces until we know what the hell happened here. Get to it."

Sarah and Moira both shimmered for a few seconds and the vanished completely using their cloaking devices. They could do a preliminary sweep undetected and give them an idea of what they would be facing.

It didn't take long, only five minutes of radio silence, before Moira's voice wavered over the comms. "I'm not sure what to make of this. Its a mess. Bodies everywhere. Batarians, Humans...some other _things_. No survivors so far. It's clear for you to come in."

"It's a bloody fucking nightmare, is what it is." Sarah chimed in, oddly cheerful. 

Nate quietly waved Sean and Finn in, bringing up the rear guard, watching their backs for any unwanted surprises. Beyond the battered doors the air lock remained in tact, which they hastily stepped through to get into normal gravity and pressurization. 

Its dark and they have to turn on the lights attached to their rifles. It reveals the carnage. Bodies lay strewn about the hallway, blood and gore smeared along the floors and walls. Bodies riddled with holes or just plain in pieces. Moira was right. Mixed within the mess were  _things_ none of them had seen before. Bulbous malformed creatures, weapons integrated directly into their bodies. Something was bugging him about the whole image and when he realized what it was Sean spoke out.

"The human scientists, they are armed and positioned defensively with the Batarians." 

Finn chimed in, "So whatever or whomever it was that did this must'a been some fucking bad asses to get Batarians to release their prisoners and work together with them. Not that it did any good..." Sean stifled a sarcastic  _Obviously,_ rolling his eyes in silence and proceeded to check the corridor. He caught the slight telltale shimmer of a cloaked figure approaching and raised his rifle. 

Moira cracked over the comms, "Easy Sean, just me." She de-cloaked and attached her handgun to her side holster. She shook her head as she continued. "Doesn't look like there is anything left alive here. Sarah is already at the data core mining and deleting the data. All said, pretty easy since someone did our job for us."

"It's a damn shame about the scientists though. That was one of our objectives as well." Sean holsters his rifle and crosses his arms. "I hate that we couldn't save them....save any of them." He gestures to the Batarian slumped over a terminal, a look of surprise still on his face, his dark eyes dull and blank. He shivers and looks away. 

Nate's voice on the comms causes Sean to jump. "How are things looking over there Sarah?"

"Hold yer fucking horses Commander. Almost got it. All the data is encrypted so fuck all if I know what it is I should be copying and what to leave behind. Taking me a little time to grab it all."

"All right, all right. Just get it..." Nate is cut off by another transmission with priority status from Ammon.

Rogers voice was a controlled panic as he spoke. "Commander, I'm getting some very, _very_ unusual heat signatures from down there, approaching your position. I'd kindly suggest you get your asses back to the shuttle and making for the Ammon asap. I'll keep tracking the signatures, I'd say you have five minutes before they are on your position. Rogers out."

"Well Moira, just gotta say, you jinxed us. Had to open that beautiful mouth of yours, didn't yah just?" Finn was shaking his head, voice playful even if there was some truth behind his words.

"Shut it Finn, you and Sean take positions by the entrance, try to fortify it with something that can take heavy fire. Moira, cloak and get us an idea of what we are looking at, do not engage and for the love of god do not get caught." Nate's voice was controlled and confident, easy to trust in the man, easy to follow his orders. "Sarah, if you can't get the job done in the next minute, set it to wipe it all and get back here."

"Got it commander. Almost done."

Moira stepped out of the airlock while Finn and Sean struggled with a large steel table, she shimmered slightly and vanished. Nate took one more glance around before moving to help with the table. "We're biotics people, how about just using them on the table, huh?"

 

* * *

 

"Commander, its more of those...things. The mutated ones with guns for arms. And...oh my god, I think those are husks." Moira sounded genuinely shaken by the revelation. "Are we dealing with Geth here?"

After the Battle of the Citadel the Geth had once again disappeared into the Perseus Veil and had not been seen outside it. Sean couldn't even begin to imagine what they would be doing in Batarian space, especially assaulting a covert Alliance science outpost. Nate seemed to be of the same opinion as he spoke. "I don't think this is the Geth. You've read Commander Shepard's reports and thoughts on the Reaper theory just as I have. You know about the Collector's abducting Human colonies and the reports of husk like creatures sighted there as well. We need to get back to HQ and report this asap. I think we know why the Hegemony has gone dark now."

Reapers. The very thought that something like an all-powerful, ancient species of Synthetics sent chills down Sean's spine. He hoped with all his might that they were wrong. That this was just the Geth. The Geth, they were an enemy you could fight. A Reaper...how the hell do you kill something like that?

Nate's voice brought him out of his thoughts and grounded him. "Sarah, eta?"

"I'm finished Commander. Got the data, the core is already dumping the files and is set to 'blow' in five. I will be there in just...about....now" She de-cloaked right next to Sean, causing him to jump. "Damn LT, I would'a got you, get your head out of your ass."

Sean scoffed and gently punched her shoulder. "Shut up."

"Moira? You're headed back right?"

She responds immediately. "Yes."

"Good. Head back towards the shuttle, I plan on us being gone by the time the enemy gets here." 

"Understood Commander, meet you there."

"All right folks, looks like we won't be needing this table after all. Move out." 

They joined Finn who was guarding the entrance and formed a tight circle, each scanning for any sign of enemy forces as they made their way back to the shuttle. Sean was just starting to think they'd make it without issue when a transmission from Rogers broke the silence. "Commander, I'm picking up some crazy ship signals approaching Ammon's coordinates. It's on an intercept projectory and I need to haul ass now before it finds me. Get to that shuttle and I'll transmit Ammon's location for pickup. Roger's out."

Sarah let out an angry curse. 

"Ok, double time it people." They began an awkward running trot in the "almost" earth like gravity. They could see the shuttle in the distance, half a klick distance. Moira was at the entrance, rifle in hand, scanning for hostiles. They felt the impact of drop pods falling around them and immediately they were engulfed in gunfire, red shots flickering over their heads. Sean immediately ducked for cover by a boulder, barrier snapping into place by instinct. Sarah lobbed an incinerate at  the nearest monstrosity and disappeared beneath her cloaking as it flailed and burned. Looking like a glowing giant, covered in tech armor, Finn lobbed two lift grenades at the enemies just emerging from the remains of their drop pod, sending them flying. 

"Moira, get the shuttle ready." Nate had launched a biotic charge and nova combo at the monsters blocking the path to the shuttle, barrier sizzling the blood and guts that covered him. Sarah proceeded to take out two more enemies as she de-cloaked behind them, machine gun mowing them down. The shuttle lurched to life and zipped towards their location, kinetic shielding deflecting the shots fired at it. Sean 'pulled' two enemies that were flanking Finn and sent them flying into the group of husks that were just coming over the top of the ridge, the enemy patrol finally reaching their location. 

With an expert precision Moira swung the shuttle around, rear end smashing into a few husks, crushing them, door sliding open. Finn and Sarah jumped in first, providing cover fire for Sean and Nate as they both scrambled aboard. "Ok, get us the hell out of here. Rogers, you got us coordinates for pick up yet?"

"Aye Commander, transmitting to shuttle now. Been flying dark, low heat emissions keeping me undetected for now, not sure how long that will last. So hurry your asses up." The shuttle lifted off and zipped away from the enemy patrol, shots firing uselessly against them. They kept low, trying to stay undetected as much as possible. In half an hour they successfully met with the VS3-Ammon and left the moon behind them. 

Sean followed Nate as he made his way to the bridge where Rogers was cursing under his breath. He barely gave either of them a glance before going into his next string of bad news. "Ok, so we're undetected now but the moment I fire up the FTL drives to get us out of here the eezo core will spike and give us away. We need to enter FTL to have any chance of making it to the Relay but there is no telling what..." The screen lit up and started flashing, little sirens going off in the cockpit coupled with Roger's poignant "Oh Fuck. Scratch all that, firing up FTL now. Oh shit. Shit shit. What the hell is that?"

A ship unlike anything they had ever seen had just dropped out of FTL at their location, changing its trajectory towards them with an abruptness that would have caused any other ship to splinter at the strain. "Its fucking dreadnought class, sir. Oh fuck." Smooth blue black panels slide apart and the ship was lit up with a red glow.

Nate's voice was tinged with panic now as he shouted "Get us out of here Rogers!" 

"Engaging evasive maneuvers. FTL drives engaged in ten...nine..." The ship lurched as the inertial dampeners tried to compensate for the rocking the ship was doing, dodging a huge red beam that seems to follow them just seconds behind. "...Three...two...oh fuck, FTL engaged." They shot into FTL, just barely managing to escape the monstrous ship and its red beam. "God damn, if our ship was any slower, any heavier, we would be space dust. What the hell was that Commander?"

Nate just shook his head and scrubbed his hands over his face. "Get us home Rogers."

 

* * *

 

April 15th, 2186 CE

\----------------------

 

"What the hell do you mean....Sir?" Nate stood before the Alliance Admiralty Board, Major Alenko at his side. "My team just brought back word confirming Commander Shepard's warnings about the Reapers and you're just going to brush it aside as a Geth incursion?

Nate cleared his throat, "With all due respect sirs, ma'am, there were no Geth sighted among the enemy forces we encountered."

The Admiral in the middle clasped his hands together and stated coldly. "You stated that there were husks among the enemy forces, yes? The only enemy known to work with husks are the Geth, therefore logic would conclude that the Geth are responsible for the incident, not some mythical, fanciful enemy called Reapers."

Alenko shifted from foot to foot, bristling with impatience. "The signature of the dreadnought class ship that they encountered matches the data we have on Sovereign. Sovereign who was a Reaper!"

"Sovereign which was the flagship for Saren who led the Geth." The admiral counterd.

"You're willfully ignoring all the warnings that this goes far beyond the Geth because it's convenient." Nate put all the scorn he could manage in the words. "You're putting everyone at risk. Why else did we do this if you're just going to ignore our findings?"

"Whatch your tone Lieutenant" another Admiral admonished, her voice cold and face scrunched with a scowl. "We have your reports, we have your data, we'll take your suggestions under advisement. You are dismissed. Major, you will stay a moment." Alenko gave him a sympathetic smile as he stormed out.

 

* * *

  

Nate was fuming as he returned to his team. Sean could see the thunderous look in the set of his jaw, the clouding of his eyes, he had only seem him this furious one other time and it was during their biotics training when Sean had been getting his ass kicked by one of the instructors. Worn out, over worked, he been unable to put up much of a defense. Nate had ended the fight by slamming the guy into the wall and helping Sean to the infirmary. 

Finn was fiddling his thumbs nervously, Sarah had a blank, bored expression on her face and Moira was biting her lip in a distracted fashion, lost in her own thoughts. 

"They're taking our suggestions _under advisement_ " he stated bitterly. "Which means they're ignoring it all together." He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall, rested his head back and closed his eyes. 

Sean went over and rested his hand on Nate's shoulder. He opened his eyes at the contact, green eyes, tired, meeting grey. "Hey, we did good. We did what we needed to do and got everyone out alive doing it. That was good. What they do from this point on isn't on us. You did good Nate."

He huffed out a small sigh, smiled gently and rested his own hand upon Sean's, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Thanks." The others had gathered around, looking to Nate for their next move. "Ok, we did good folks." He smiled again. "Now we wait for the Major to finish and figure out our next move. So get yourselves comfy again, we might be here a while."

"No need Lieutenant, they're finished with me for now." Kaidan was just exiting the board room as he spoke. He looked frustrated and gestured them over. "The Board of Admirals are gonna drag their feet on this one. I know you had good intentions Werner but you pissed them off. Your team is on _Mandatory_ shore leave for a job _well done._ " He smiled ruefully and shook his head. 

Finn cocked his head to the side in confusion, "And that's a bad thing?"

"You've been effectively grounded for the immediate future. Until the board decides what to do about the information you got them, you won't be assigned any more missions." He shrugs. "Interpret that how you want." He paused for emphasis. "Alright, I'll do what I can on my end here to put a fire under their asses, you guys take some time and rest but be prepared to move on my word." They nod in unison. "Ok good, you're dismissed. Enjoy your shore leave."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daaannng. Ok, this chapter took me way to long to finish, so I'm sorry about that. Hopefully it's worth the wait. One more intermission and we'll finally be in the last third of the story. Thanks for hanging in there this long. I super appreciate you reading this.


	18. Intermission VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shore leave doesn't last very long, the team gears up, the world goes to hell and we see a little bit more about Sean and Nate's relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the last intermission. After this it's two, maybe three more chapters and we're done. Crazy. If you're still reading this, thank you!

April 18th, 2186 CE

\----------------------

 

It was just the two of them this morning, Sean and Nate, sitting outside at a cafe, sipping their drinks, nursing their hangovers. Coffee, black, for Nate, tea with cream and honey for Sean. It was sunny today, a little chill in the air but they were bundled up in sweaters and light scarves. They were also nestled up close to each other, enjoying the physical tough as much as the shared body heat.

Sean had his head resting on Nate shoulder, eyes closed, enjoying the heat of the sun on his face contrasting with the chilly air. He enjoyed the energetic bustle of London in the mornings. Everyone dashing to and fro. He liked it even more when he didn't have to be among the rush, able to sit and just 'be' with Nate.

"This." He murmurs.

Nate turns away from people watching and glances down at Sean's smiling face. "What?" 

"This." Sean says again, adding a sweeping hand gesture that encompasses them both. "I missed _this_. The time we can just be. To enjoy a moment together. To not be rushed, not be exhausted. Not being terrified on the battlefield or being high on the bloodlust." He sighs. "I'm not sure I'm explaining this right. We've been in training for almost two years, one shore leave during that. Then we're thrust right into our first mission, facing Reapers. I like waking up in our own bed, I like waking up next to you. These moments are just so few and far between."

Sean huffs another sigh, opens his eyes and looks pleadingly at Nate, who smiles and plants a kiss on his forehead. "Ever think you chose the wrong profession?" He flicks Sean's ear playfully and takes a sip of his coffee.

He closes his eyes again, thinking about Nate's statement before answering. "No, not at all. I know what I signed up for. I want to serve. If I was offered the chance to change it I wouldn't. I would follow the same path."

Nate just chuckles and plants another kiss on his forehead. "It was a rhetorical question you dork." Sean just smiles and hums his enjoyment. "So what do you want to do today?"

"Hmm, well I think there is that new Blasto vid that just hit the theaters? Blasto, Savior of the Citadel. The trailer looked intense, plus it's in VR. Might be fun." Nate groans loudly and shakes his head. "Ok, ok, no Blasto. Hmmm....well there is a pretty cool shop that just opened up that could be fun to check out? It's got a bunch of stuff from the 20th century that might fit with the 'vintage' style of yo...our apartment?" He flushes quickly and looks into Nate's eyes. 

"Vintage, really? I'd go with _classic..._ maybe timeless?" He gets a smug look on his face, "Yeah, definitely _timeless."_

 _"_ Ok Nate, ok." Sean rolls his eyes but places a quick kiss on his cheek to take any sting away. "Anyways, I want to check it out."

"Anything for you cupcake."

Sean jerks up and stares, face scrunched into a look of disgust. "Cupcake? The hell Nate?"

He had the courtesy to look embarrassed. "Uhh..yeah, was trying out pet names. Cupcake is definitely a no go."

"Agreed, total no go."

 

* * *

 

It's a quiet evening at home, both of them curled up together on the couch, fireplace crackling and a vid about an Asari Justicar playing on the TV. A brown leather chair now accompanied the sofa, recent purchase from the vintage store, blending in nicely with the decor in _their_  apartment. The vid was a bit over the top, way to high and mighty for Nate's taste but Sean was totally engrossed. Even coming to the point of tears when the Justicar denies her feelings of love for the Turian spy stating "My only true love is Justice."

Nate just hugs Sean closer and places soft kisses on his cheek and forehead. 

Eventually he found himself dosing off, lulled to sleep regardless of the gunfire and excessive explosions on the vid. It wasn't until he felt his omnitool buzz lightly that he was brought back to the waking world. He ignored it. Then Sean's omnitool went off. His own buzzing again, insistent. He scowls and brings up the message, Sean pausing the vid to check his own message.

 

> \------------------------------  
>  Priority Message - Sender: Maj. K Alenko:  
>  RE: Meeting @0800  
>  The Admiralty Board has reached a decision, faster than expected. Shore leave is over.  
>  Meet me at HQ, we'll go over specifics at that point. 0800.  
>  \------------------------------

Sean sighs and stretches his arms over his head. "Well that was disappointingly short." 

Nate runs his hands through his hair and nods his head. "Yep. Thought for sure we'd get at least a week." He chuckles. "I know a far better way to spend our time than a cheesy vid." He grabs Sean's arms and pins them to his side, taking his time as he kisses his way up Sean's neck, eventually making his way to his lips. Eventually releasing his lovers hands.

Sean lets out a soft moan, trailing his arms down Nate's black, resting on his hips. His hands dip under the fabric of  Nate's jeans and briefs to cup his ass. "Yeah ok, this is definitely better."

"Anything for you, Sugar."

"Nate, just no." They burst into laughter.

 

* * *

 

April 21st, 2186 CE

\----------------------

 

"So the Admiralty Board still isn't convinced this is a Reaper threat, they still want to beleive it's the Geth. But they are still want to send you out on another scouting mission. This is good. It means they aren't totally willing to throw the Reaper theory out the window." Major Kadain Alenko softly paced the briefing room, one arm held behind his back, the other held under his chin, deep in thought even as he spoke. "You'll be keeping busy, scout and report and the on to the next location and next mission."

He paused and gave them each of them a glance before continuing. "I'll be honest, it's gonna be dangerous. You'll be in enemy territory most of the time and you'll likely encounter more Reaper forces. Or Geth forces according to the Admiralty Board." He shakes his head. "This is what you trained for, high risk, high reward. Make this count. Go kick some ass."

"Hooyah!"

 

* * *

 

And so it was. Month after month of brutal missions, near death experiences, close calls and banging their heads against the ship walls. An exercise in frustration didn't even come close to the case when dealing with and reporting to the Admiralty Board. Every piece of evidence, every scrap of data that pointed to the Reapers was discredited as potential Geth activity. They had their heads willfully in the sand. 

Let it be anything but Reapers.

They were gone from Earth over five months. Five exhausting months. They darted from cluster to cluster, system to system, providing the intel and progress reports of the enemy forces within Batarian space. All for naught. When they finally limped home it was to a cold welcome, reminded that what they saw was classified and if they even mentioned the fictitious Reapers, they would be court marshaled and left to rot in the brigs. All in all the team was more than happy to take their leave, rest, recover and wait till their next orders came in. 

They made it four days into shore leave before the world went to hell.

 

* * *

 

October 3rd, 2186 CE

\------------------------

They were at the same cafe but inside this time, it being far too cold to sit outside. Both of them sitting by the large floor to ceiling windows, black coffee for Nate, tea with cream and honey for Sean, watching the hustle and bustle of the city in the morning.

Sean had rested his head against Nate's shoulder again, drifting off to sleep and then jerking back awake only to nod off again. Nate was content to leave him alone, enjoying the weight of his touch, the heat of his breath against his neck. He fiddled with a small box in his pocket, fighting off the butterflies in the pit of his stomach. A nervous smile kept creeping onto his lips as well. He looked down at Sean and gently rocked his shoulder, waking the man.

"Hey, Sean...sleepyhead, wake up." He plants a kiss on his forehead. "I was thinking we'd take a walk through Hyde Park before we head..." He trails off as he feels a tremble in the ground, rattling the glass panes of the windows. A frown slowly forms on his face as a another tremor shakes the cafe. "...I think we should get awa..." The next tremor is far more violent, sending them both toppling from the high top stools they had been sitting on. "Ah, shit." 

Nate had tumbled backward, smashing his elbow into the wooden floor, Sean landing partially on top of him with a startled grunt.

"An earthquake, in Lond..." Sean didn't get to finish his sentance before the next impact hits the cafe with shockwave force, the glass shattering into a million glimmering fragments as both men and a few other patrons were physically flung across the cafe, crashing into whatever was solid enough to stop their momentum. 

Blinking slowly, vision blurry and ears ringing, Nate lifted his now aching body up, searching desperately for Sean. He had been flung back into a shelf of coffee beans but was already standing up, brushing off shards of glass and spilled beans. He was bleeding from a few shallow cuts but otherwise seemed fine.

He does a quick scan of the cafe, while dazed the patrons and staff of the cafe seemed ok. He cautiously made his way towards the wall of shattered windows and felt himself go rigid with shock. Towering above and dominating the skyline was a Reaper, exactly like the dreadnought class ship that had almost killed them their first mission aboard the Ammon. Further away he could see more, each one as large as a skyscraper.

He felt the violence as it moved its massive appendages, each step creating small shockwaves, tremors ripping through the pavement. 

The Reaper began glow a menacing red and suddenly Nate could move again. Self preservation kicking in as he scrambled away from the entrance, waving and yelling for everyone to get back. A horrifying wail pierced the air as the Reaper unleashed its attack, red beam tearing through the streets, blasting through buildings. He barely made it, flinging himself behind the steel counter as the world erupted in fire and then black.

 


	19. As the World Burns Around Us I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our soldier finally opens up about the events during the Reaper War.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> June 4th, 2188 CE - 1 Year, 2 months after the end of the Reaper War

 

_\-------------------------------------------------------_

 

_It's been raining non-stop for almost a week now. The sky pouring out endlessly, the sun hidden away. It feels like a different world, I can’t really put my finger on it. Like someone has put a filter over my eyes, limiting what sensory information I can take in. Yeah, I can’t really explain it._

_Despite the weather I feel like I am doing well. Emotionally. More steady, more stable. Less likely to have an emotional breakdown or have something trigger a flashback or panic attack._

_Part of me is terrified to make any sort of confession out loud, like if I was to say that I was feeling good out loud the Universe, or God or Karma or whatever would hear and be like “Well, that’s not right, better go fuck him up some more.” It’s irrational, but I can’t really shake it._

_Therapy has been helping. The doc has a way of pulling me out of my spirals, breaking thought patterns that I didn’t even know I was stuck in. He keeps me talking a lot, says that getting the trauma out in a safe place can help cleanse the ‘wound’ and help with the healing. I’m beginning to believe him._

_The progress that I have been making surprises me. And sure, I still have the bad days, but not as often and the memories don’t have as strong a hold on me, I can pull myself back._

_Today is a big day I guess. We’ve been dancing around it pretty much the whole time, but today I have to talk to him about the War. Specifically he wants to talk about Hammer’s push and losing Nate._

_I’m scared to relive those moments, afraid I’ll be lost this time and won’t find my way back._

_I know it’s something I have to do, to push through the pain and fear but damned all if it’s not hard and it makes me queasy, faint. I’m trying to rally myself. We’ve blocked off a larger amount of time for this session, knowing that it might take a while. I’ve just got to do it._

_Yeah._

 

* * *

 

He sets the pen down and looks out the window, the rain having let up enough to be a light drizzle. He stares out into the mist, eyes glinting in the pale light. His face set in a worried frown. He drums his fingers on the old wooden desk, just drums and drums, lost in his thoughts, thinking.

 _Always_ _thinking_.

 

* * *

 

The office is beginning to feel familiar, its sea green walls a calming color, comfortable. Yes, he was beginning to feel more comfortable here. The fireplace was crackling cheerfully as usual, the huge floor to ceiling windows displaying the Minneapolis skyline, shrouded by misty clouds and thick rain. It was pouring again, hard. Even with an umbrella and rain coat Sean was slightly damn and he felt chilled. The soft leather chairs had been moved away from the windows and were centered by the fireplace for which he was grateful. 

He found himself sitting by the fireplace, cup of tea in his hands, enjoying the warmth of the cup and the flames at his side. Richard took his customary place across from him, his own cup of tea sitting on a side table. He had his hands folded in his lap, a serene look on his face as usual.

"So, Sean, I know you've had some apprehension about this for a while and want to make sure you're still ok with this. We can do this another time if you need to."

"No...I uh, no I'm good. I've been dreading this for a while, but now that I'm here..." He pauses and looks at the tea in his hands, fingers idly tracing the sides of the cup. "Now that I'm here I feel like I can do this." He glances up, looks into the green eyes staring back at him, clears his throat. "So, where should I start?"

Richard seems to ponder this a moment before deciding. "You told me a little bit about the day the Reapers arrived and only the barest details of Hammer's strike. I'd like you to start somewhere in between there."

Sean nods and takes a sip of his tea. "We survived for months before the crucible was brought to Earth. Fighting, running, hiding when we had to. Nate and I were together when the Reapers hit, survived the initial devastation. Barely. We were pretty banged up but knew we needed to try and get to HQ, get geared up. We knew the others, our squad I mean, would think the same thing. We were about five miles out from HQ, lucky for us I guess."

"So how did you make it out there? Five miles through an active war zone could not have been easy, especially unarmed and unarmored."

Shrugging uncomfortably, Sean nods. "Yeah, it was a nightmare, debris and bodies littered the streets, Reaper ground forces roamed the area but we weren't helpless. Far from it. Our barriers armored us and honestly, I'm a good biotic, pretty damn strong, but Nate? He was fucking terrifying. He would charge and nova, tear apart the enemy, rinse and repeat. I would cover him with a flare when needed. Thankfully we never attracted the attention of a capital ship, or we probably would never have made it."

He paused and took another sip of his tea. "Didn't take us very long, a little less than an hour. Not bad considering. It was a mess when we got there. Building all tore up, parts burning. It had been hit hard by a Reaper. There were still people there, fighting off the encroaching Reaper ground forces. Bunch of husks, some cannibals, a few brutes. Holding the off but you could tell they were being pushed back. We helped clear them out, giving everyone a moment to catch their breath."

"We hit up the armory, got geared up and waited for our team to show up. Sarah was already there, Moira and Finn showed up together an hour later. By that time we had fought off three other waves of enemies. We knew we couldn't hold the location, to deep in the city and if a capital ship decided to come along, there was nothing we could do about. We needed to leave the city."

Sean takes a deep breath to steady his nerves and still trembling hands. He gives Richard an embarrassed smile who responds by asking, "You good to continue?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm ok. So we convinced the remaining troops we needed to leave the city, grabbed as much supplies as we could carry and headed out. Evacuated any civilians we came across, encouraged them to get out of the city with us." He shrugs. "Like I said, we survived for months before we finally regrouped with the main force for the final push, for Hammer to reach the beam."

"Can you tell me about that mission, about the Hammer?"

He grasps the tea tightly, shudders once and the nods. "It wasn't a great plan, but honestly, we didn't have a lot of options...."

 

* * *

  

Sean glanced at the sky above him, it was burning. Vivid swathes of angry red streaked the sky, black clouds of billowing smoke smothered the world. Further up, beyond the sky, people of all races were fighting, burning, dying, all to give them time. Precious time to reach the beam, to reach the citadel, to activate the crucible. Everything depended on this push, this plan and yet they had only half the forces they should, a huge chunk of Hammer never made it ground side. 

Died before they could do anything at all. It was such a fucking waste. ALL of it. How many lives on how many worlds snuffed out, all those dreams, all that potential, gone.

He shook his head, he needed to focus on the task ahead. He was about to look for Nate when he heard his name, turned to see Major Alenko striding towards him, huge smile on his face.

"Lieutenant Adams, damn if it isn't good to see your face. Glad you made it."

"It's good to see you too sir!" He reached out to clasp the Majors outstretched hand, smiling as well. "We heard you were aboard the Normandy, even heard they made you the second human Spector. Congratulations sir."

"Thank you Lieutenant. The rest of your squad with you?"

"Yes sir, the whole squad and then some. We picked up a few...." Sean trailed off at the approach of a legend. Commander John Shepard was shorter than he expected. They could stand eye to eye, he had always seemed larger than life in the vids. His N7 armor was scuffed and dirty, little chunks gouged out here and there.

His piercing blue eyes looked tired, but they filled with warmth as he took in the Major. He stood a little straighter, a smile forming on his lips when Alenko turned to see what had caused Sean to trail off. 

And as quick as that he felt himself become invisible. Shepard stared at Kaidan as if he was the only thing in the world and Kaidan did the same. He inched back a few steps, giving them some room. Tried not to listen as they spoke softly together, failed, and tried to melt into the wall as the Major roughly grabbed Shepard and pulled him in for a deep kiss. 

The scene made his heart ache, made him want to go and find Nate. To kiss him, to hold him, to feel his closeness and be reassured by his breath on his neck, strong hands on his hips. It had been so long since they had any semblance of privacy, of intimacy. No chance to rest, to just 'be' with each other.

He watched as Shepard pulled away, heard the whispered "Stay safe," and made damn sure he was staring at his boots when the Major turned back to him. Made sure his face was composed when he glanced up.

"I uh....I'm sure he'll...uh..." Sean trails off and Kaidan's face tightens before nodding.

"Yeah." They both just stood there, uncomfortable in the silence that settled before Kaidan snapped out of it. "Right, lets gather the squads, go over the plan and get moving." They walk and talk as they make their way towards the others. "We've got two other squads from biotics division, that gives us fifteen of you kicking ass out there today."

 

* * *

 

Kicking ass turned out to be slogging through the ruins of London, in 'No Man's Land.' A stretch of terrain so broken and ravaged by the war, so filled with Reaper ground forces that it made each foot, each mile gained an endless nightmare of frustration, misery, close calls and death. Each mile paid for in the blood of soldiers, of civilian militia and the blood of alien races doomed to die on a foreign planet, under foreign stars, so far from home. 

Sean's squad was assigned to Gulf Company. His group of five biotics bolstering a group of fifty men and women, one tank equipped with Thanix missiles and one tank with a photon cannon and two machine gun turrets. They were a mix of Human, Turian and Krogan forces, mostly Human though. Major Alenko had rejoined Commander Shepard's team for the push.

Sarah and Moira turned out to be indispensable as they made their push through the chaos. Using their cloaking they were able to pick off entrenched Ravagers which had slowed progress terribly. Each ruined building held horrors, brutes bashing through doors to stagger into the grouped soldiers, tearing through shielding and armor, flailing about indiscriminately. They lost four men before a Krogan finally brought the beast down with a shotgun blast to the face. All the while the others were tearing through husks and cannibals and marauders. 

Casualties were high and progress slow, the tanks unable to move quickly over the debris littered roads.

Sean nearly howled in frustration as they had to backtrack two blocks and find another route as the road before them was impassable. More delays, all the while Sword was fighting above them, facing Reaper capital ships. Fighting, dying, all to buy Hammer time to reach the beam, to board the citadel, to open the arms. He was exhausted, bruised, hungry and furious.

All the while they pushed forward. When they learned that Delta Company had been wiped out it was a hit to morale. Charlie had lost nearly half their company, only one klick from their objective, the Destroyer blocking the path to the beam. So close, yet so god damned far. His eyes roamed the landscape for Nate. It was a moment of calm amidst the chaos. The silence was terrifying. He found him at the forefront of the company, glancing down at his omnitool, trying to find the best path forward. 

As he made his way towards him the comms burst to life. "Able company's broken through. Christ that destroyer is huge." 

Major Coat quickly responds. "Hold your position, the rest of Hammer is en-route." Nate starts waving them onward, urging them to speed when the calm is broken, when all hell breaks loose as a Harvester swoops down and takes out the tank with their Thanix missiles, the resulting explosion throwing Sean to the ground, his barrier hissing as fragments of metal and...other things fling against him. A hoard of husks pour from the crumpled skyscraper ahead of them. Pulling himself up Sean launched a flare into the group, killing several instantly, crippling others. He readied a biotic charge, flinging himself among them and unleashed a nova. With that threat dealt with he launched himself behind cover as a group of cannibals and marauders rounded the corner. 

"The destroyer's spotted us. Prepping Thanix missiles."

"Hold your fire. You won't do anything but piss it off." Major Coat's sneer was apparent even over the crackling comms. Sean shot three cannibals after Finn's lift grenades sent them into the air, tumbling helplessly. 

"Roger that, but we may have no choice." Moira's incinerate sent a Marauder staggering just before it finished off a wounded Turian.

"Understood." A medic rushed to the Turian's side, applying a dose of medigel to to blistering leg wound. Two marines grabbed him by the soldier and half carried and half dragged him to the shelter of the remaining tank. The machine gun turrets burned an angry red from overuse. 

Sean rushed past a three Krogan who were sheltering behind a ruined wall as the Harvester blasted away, attempting to destroy their final remaining tank. He unleashed another flare at the beast, sending it staggering, falling on its side. Hail of fire interrupted, the Krogan jumped up and finished the thing off with brutal efficiency. He craned his neck, searching for Nate. 

"The destroyer just took out half our company!" Able Company's commander let out an anguished cry. "Firing remaining missiles."

Sean found Nate crouched behind the tank, applying Medigel to a wounded marine. With her helmet off he could see her pale face, eyes closed, teeth clenched against the pain.

"Any effect?" Coats voice sounded distant.

Her blonde hair was drenched in sweat, her breath ragged. His eyes trailed to Nate's hands, gently attending to a gut wound. She was going to die, slowly.

"Negative. Can't get a lock, somethings messing with our guidance systems." He couldn't see Nate's face, hidden behind the helmet, he couldn't lock eyes, convey all he was feeling with a single look. He wanted to scream, wanted to weep. He did none of those things. 

"Hold on Able, we're almost there."

Sean looked around, at the remainders of Gulf Company. Too few faces, none of them without some injury. He counted eighteen, including his squad. Eighteen out of the original fifty-five and it would be sixteen once the Turian and marine finally died. He hurried over to help take care of the remaining ground forces in their way. He only fired a few shots before Sarah finished off the last cannibal with an incinerate, flicking off the corpse as it burned. They took a moment to regroup before continuing the push. They left their dead where they lay, unable to do a damn thing for them. They were less than half a mile out from the rendezvous point.

The silence over the comms did not bode well. Motioning one of the Krogan's over, he fumbled mentally over the name, he was of clan Khel. 

He pointed to the comm on his helmet. "Drundam, you getting anything?" 

The Krogan grunts and shakes his head angrily. "Not a damn peep after Coats last transmission." Which was over ten minutes ago. Not good at all.

They pushed forward, encountering minimal resistance. The silence of the comms finally broken. "...hell is our fire support? We need reinforcements on the..." The commando's scream was cut off abruptly. The shock wave that trembled through the ground caused Sean to stumble, a tall building, once a prestigious hotel, burst in flames, crumbling to the ground as a red beam cut through it. 

Nate's voice cut through the haze of shock. "Double time it people, we're late for the fucking party."

It was like a stimpack had been shoved into his arm, energy bursting through him, a second wind. His fury giving him strength. He let out a guttural cry, primal in its nature, all defiance and desperation, he was not alone. Human, Krogan, Turian. All roaring their defiance and surging forward, together. More voices crackled over the comms.

Major Coat's voice was filled with desperation. "Commander Shepard, do you read me? Commander? Whats the situation on the missile guidance enhancements? Shepard?! EDI? God damn it."

Gulf company struggled on, abandoned the tank that could no longer  pass over the rubble, abandoned the dying marine, the wounded Turian. The mission was all. 

"We're being over run here Coats." The relief Sean felt when he heard Shepard's voice spread throughout his body. Not all was lost then. "We can't keep the missile batteries defended much longer."

"Commander, I have reprogrammed systems for targeting, missiles are ready for launch." Sean scrambled over the rubble, reached the crest and overlooked the commanders position. There were only three of them, Shepard, Alenko and Vakarian, holding off the waves of Reaper forces, left flank overrun, surviving against all odds. The destroyer loomed massive in the distance, red beam lancing through buildings, tearing through Hammer's forces.

"Got it. You heard her, back to the truck people." Gulf company struggled through the ruins, attempting to navigate their way down to the Commander, to reinforce his position. It was excruciatingly slow work. Sean took pot shots when he could, but from this distance he was a crap shot. Moira or Sarah far better suited for the job with their sniper rifles. Shepard made his way over to the tank, Alenko and Vakarian providing cover fire.

EDI's voice chimed, "Missile guidance enhanced."

"Firing!" Shepard screamed.

Sean paused behind cover and watched the two missiles launch, watched as they flew wildly the closer they approached the destroyer. He felt despair well up in his chest as the missiles missed their mark. EDI's voice chiming over the comms again. "The Reaper is still too close to the beam. You will need to allow the destroyer to move further out of the beams influence."

Shepard sounded exhausted, "And closer to us..."

Sean was panting when he finally reached the Commander's location, Nate following close behind. 

"Commander, Second Lieutenant Nathan Werner. Gulf company reporting in." The rest staggered in, sixteen weary soldiers took up positions around the two remaining Thanix missiles. Firing shots at any enemy they saw. 

Major Alenko clasped Nathan on the shoulder and smiled. "Glad to see you made it." Shepard does a quick scan of the remnants of Gulf company. Blue eyes cold and calculating, a frown upon his brow.

"This is everyone that made it?" Sean could see Nate stiffen, but he had kept his helmet on, so he was unable to read his facial expression. 

"Yes sir. Lost a lot of good men along the way." Shepard seemed to realize his mistake and his expression softened. 

"Of course, sorry for my bluntness Lieutenant. Glad to have you...."

He was interrupted by Admiral Anderson breaking over the comms. "Commander, Hammer is being overrun at every turn. Reaper ground forces are converging on your location. We're fighting our way to you. Hold on Commander. Hold on!"

Three voices cursed in unison, Shepard, Alenko, and Werner. "Shit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always thought it was a bit unrealistic that Shepard and his two squad mates were able to hold off the overwhelming Reaper forces that were all around the missile batteries. Plus with a destroyer firing its red laser all over the place, it just seemed too crazy. I remember playing that part of Priority: Earth on insanity and was like, how the hell?! It made sense that in "real life" Shepard would need back up and since in the game they lose contact with Gulf Company, I thought they should be the ones to back him up.
> 
> Also, omg, the number of chapters has finally been updated. There are only three more. Crazy. 
> 
> Also also, thank you so much for sticking with me this long! Wow! I don't know what else to say except, you rock!


	20. Simple Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sean and Nate have a little time together to chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for a prompt on tumblr for Non-Shepard OC Week. Day 2 - Growing Up.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------

 

“So tell me about it then?” I pull my eyes away from the window, from the view of a rain drenched London and lock eyes with his. They were a deep green this morning, the murky light filtering through the apartment giving them a dark intensity that sends a jolt of excitement through my chest.

His question lingers in the air before I finally answer. “What would you like to know?” I take a sip of my tea and watch as he lifts himself off the couch and stretches, arms reaching up and to the sides.

I’m drawn to the way his shirt stretches over his chest and the way it lifts up, revealing a trail of pale blonde hair from naval to the rim of his sweats. He’s teasing me and when I look up again a wicked grin has settled on his face.

“How many guys have you brought home to meet your mom and dad?” he asks.

A snort escapes before I can stop and it turns into a scandalized laugh, heat flushing up my neck to burn my face. “Really Nate? A chance to ask anything about my past and you ask that?” I roll my eyes to add drama, but the grin twitching my lips ruins the effect.

“Hmm…. yeah, nope. That's not an answer.” He leans in, grabs my hips and pulls me in close, slips his arms up my back, fingers trailing lightly until they rest at the base of my neck.

I look up into those deep green eyes and am lost. “Not a one,” I whisper. I lean in for a kiss but he pulls back, a skeptical frown marring his face.

“Really? No one?” Seeing the lips I want to kiss pulling further and further away I let out an annoyed huff.

“Well lets see, I lived in the middle of nowhere, the nearest town had a population of a little over five-thousand.” I pause and lick my lower lip slowly, watching as his eyes distractedly follow my tongue and lean in a little closer. “Not to mention my dad was Alliance and you better believe he used that to scare off any suitors.”

Just to drive the point home I light up my boitics. The sharp tang of ozone filled the room and I surrounded myself with a simple barrier. “It was game over though when my biotics manifested. No one wanted to hang out, let alone date, a freak.” Letting the barrier drop I shrug, trying to rid myself of the bitter feeling rising in my chest. “So no, no one to bring home.”

“And they know that you like guys, right?” His question catches me off guard a little.

I let out a puff of air, suddenly uncomfortable with where this was headed. “Ah yeah, we had that _talk_.”

“And you know, how’d that go?” His hands were still at the base of my neck, tracing soft circles, my skin pebbling under his tough. I rest my face against his chest, feeling the slow deep breaths, the soft patter of his heart.

“Uh, about a good as can be expected I suppose?” I feel an odd sort of embarrassment talking about it but continue anyways. “My mom burst into tears, couldn’t believe it. She left the room and wouldn’t talk to me for a whole week.” I let out a soft chuckle at the memory. “Dad took it all in stride, always calm, always the peacekeeper. I actually remember his words clearly.”

I attempt to deepen my voice and add a gravelly inflection, it’s a terrible impersonation but it's the best I’ve got. “Nothing’s ever gonna stop me from loving you son. Know that. Your mom, well, give her some time. She’ll swing round.' He gave me a firm hug and then went to go calm down mom.”

Feeling like I killed the mood a frown settles on my face, my eyes unwilling to meet Nate’s own. I settle for the coffee table beyond his shoulder. Soft lips pressing against my forehead over and over draw me out from staring at the wooden table. Little pecks kissing away my frown, sending little flutters down to my toes. After a deep breath I catch his face with my hands, bring him in for a slow kiss, building in intensity the longer we stayed locked together.

I pull away with a satisfied sigh. “Thanks.”

With a short sharp breath, Nate locks eyes with me, a light flush rising to his cheeks as he asks, “So...uh...would you ever...think of,” he's nervous and it's so out of character for him my heart flutters a little. “Would you ever think of bringing me home to, you know, meet them?”

A warm feeling spreads from my chest and a stupid grin takes over my face. I stare into those beautiful green eyes and ask, “Hey Nate, next time we get some shore leave, want to come to Minnesota and meet my parents?”

“Yes.”

* * *

He jerks awake suddenly, eyes roaming around the room wildly, pulse racing. The features of the room become familiar, known. His breathing settles, heart steadying. He'd fallen asleep in the waiting room. Empty except for the small, mousy woman at the front desk.

She had kind eyes.

Staring at the clock he fumbles for the journal in his coat pocket, chipped pen not far behind. He opens it and starts scribbling away.


	21. As the World Burns Around Us II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the same day, just a break between the session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> June 4th, 2188 CE - 1 Year, 2 months after the end of the Reaper War

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

_We both needed the break I think. Me, to collect myself so I didn't have a break down. As for Richard, I know hearing some pretty heavy shit like that can be tough. Even if you weren't the one to live through it. I mean, it's not like he doesn't have his own horror story of survival. Hopefully mine didn't bring him back to his own darkness. Or maybe he doesn't have one. So we're taking a break and I'm writing a bit because, shit, that dream, even when it seems like I'm moving on, moving forward, it’s like he shows up to remind me I’m not. Or my body reminds me I’m not, or that I still have a long way to go. I don’t know._

_I keep thinking about this stupid little card I read today. It's like this._

_My mother has these little cards in a box that she draws from each day. Each card has a message written on it. Little things to encourage you for the day. She likes to call them her daily message from God. Yeah, big G. And that's not really an issue with me. Her faith. Even after a race of ancient sentient super beings fucked up the galaxy she has her faith._

_And sometimes I envy that about her. I want to believe that at the end of it all I’ll find that there is something more, the afterlife, heaven, ‘paradise.’ And that Nate will be there, happy, whole. That he’ll reach out his arm towards me, grasp my hand in his own and we’ll have our time again._

_I want to believe...it’s just, right now, I don’t._

_She knows that but she encourages me to take a card every day anyways. Said that if thinking it was a message from God was uncomfortable for me, than to think of it as a message from the Universe, or from no one. To take it at face value. So I have been trying to. And usually it's fine, like, not a problem, silly little things that I just roll my eyes at. But today’s card really touched a nerve, hit on my irrational fear._

_This is what the card said:_

_“There is a rhythm and flow to Life, and i am part of it. Life supports me and brings me only good and positive experiences. I trust the process of Life to bring me my highest good.”_

_And maybe I have too much time on my hands and all I do now is think and overthink and try to process and analyze my thinking with even more thinking. Maybe it's just finally telling my story, bringing back up all the darkness I'd buried deep._

_If Life supports me and is supposed to bring me my highest good, then there must be the opposite force that brings me my ‘lowest bad.’ If that even makes sense. The opposing force, Death. And I feel like there has been a lot of both in my life. If I can trust that Life will bring me good things then I can trust that Death will bring me the bad. It comes back to that fear, that since things have been 'good' lately, I feel like at any moment the bad will come crashing in. I'm not even sure where I am trying to go with this here._

_Ok so, when I finish this, finish telling the story, there is supposed to be closure, or healing or something good. But I think where my brain is going is that when I finish this, there will only be the bad, the opposing force since things have been good. Fuck I don't even think that makes sense. I just can't shake this feeling, this impending dread, this building up of something. It's nested itself in my chest, in my gut._

_There is an urgency now. I can't explain it, but I can feel it. I should be telling Richard about this but I can't. I don't know how. All I can do is write in this journal and hope that whatever I'm feeling will go away, or that it's nothing but my imagination._

_It just doesn't feel like that. Doesn't feel like it will go away. Shit. I need to finish telling the story, no matter what happens after. That I do know._

_It's just, I'm scared._

 

* * *

 

He looked up from his journal to stare out a window. It was smaller than the ones in Richard's office, but it was enough. The rain outside continued to pour, tirelessly. The clouds were dark, full of angry intent, they choked out the sun covering everything in wet twilight. It was only noon and it was dark enough for early evening. The endless deluge seemed to validate and enforce the feeling of dread within him.

His lungs felt tight, restricted, he found it hard to breath, to stop from fidgeting in the chair while waiting for the session to resume, to finish his story. The sort voice of the receptionist caught his attention.

“Ok Sean, Dr. Halvorsen is ready to continue.”

He jumped up from the chair quickly, giving her a grateful nod as he passed, she just smiled fondly and gestured him through the door. Richard was in his customary seat, typing a few notes into a datapad, leg crossed a foot bouncing idly as he tapped away.

He gave Sean a soft smile as he sat across from him and set the datapad aside, giving him his full focus.

“Are you ready to keep going Sean? We can take a few minutes to talk about something else before we continue?”

“No, I’m ready, more than ready. It feels like I _need_ to get it out. I want to.”

Richard nods and clasps his hands together. “Ok then. Now when we stopped what was left of Gulf company had just rendezvoused with Commander Shepard and Major Alenko. Reaper forces were swarming your location?”

Sean nodded quickly, leg bouncing restlessly, hands running up and down his legs, feeling the fabric of the jeans distractedly. “Right. But that wasn’t the only problem, because the Destroyer was slowly creeping closer….”

 

* * *

 

The wail of the Reaper tore through the air, tearing through him, sending his flight or fight response in overdrive, filled with a primal dread, an urge to drop everything and run. He flung himself to cover instead, avoiding the destruction wrought by a ravager, his barrier soaking up the brunt of the force, the rest plunking harmlessly against his armor.

The hoard of Reaper ground forces crashed into them like a wave, an endless flow of husks, cannibals and marauders, an endless stream of red gunfire. The smell of spilled blood and guts threatened to overwhelm him, his helmet filters only able to do so much.

There was little time to catch his breath, nor stay behind cover as he was flanked by two cannibals. He flung himself at them, biotic charge eating the distance in seconds, and unleashed a nova, blasting them to pieces before turning his rifle and fired upon a group of husks swarming Sarah’s position. She flipped him the bird in thanks and continued her sniper fire.

They had to defend the tanks with the last of their Thanix missiles all while waiting for the Destroyer to get closer. It was a terrible plan, made by the desperate, there was no other choice.

He pushed away his fears, the rising panic at seeing just how huge the Reaper really was, how it sliced through buildings and soldiers in the same easy movement. All it took was one stray beam taking out the tanks and it was all over.

Another scream pierced the air, different this time, higher, more violent, full of pain and rage. He felt cold dread as he turned and ducked just in time to avoid being shredded by talons as long as his forearm.

“Shit, I got a banshee here, need some assistance asap.” He couldn’t take a banshee on his own. A fucking Asari Matriarch would have had trouble alone. He tried to pull the monster and send it flying, watched as it shrugged it aside, a feral grin blooming, needle like teeth exposed. It raised its clawed hand and flung its twisted version of a warp, the projectile homing in on him as he scrambled for cover.

The banshee teleported to his escape path, the little nova it unleashed on impact sent him reeling, falling to his knees. The warp caught him in the back, shattering his kinetic shielding and sending him flying, his barrier barely holding.

“Fuck…” He tried to shake his head clear, the banshee looming above him, he fired his rifle, the shots flicking harmlessly off its own barrier. He couldn’t move in time, watched as those taloned hands rose up, felt himself fill with fear, regret, grief…

Moira decloaked and unloaded a whole thermal clip into the banshee, disruptor ammo breaking through the barrier and blinking into vulnerable flesh. The creature wailed in pain and rage, whipped around with terrible speed and grabbed her by the helm, slammed her to the ground, both clawed hands squeezing the helmet. When it cracked Moira started screaming, kicking and clawing uselessly.

With a roar Sean launched a biotic charge at close range, slamming into the banshee and used his omni blade to slice through the things neck, the flesh sizzled and crackled and the banshees head toppled from twitching shoulders.

He scrambled over to Moira, helped remove her mangled helmet and did a quick readout of her vitals. High pulse and a number of other elevated levels, but otherwise ok.

“You saved my ass. Thanks.”

She smiled and shook her head tenderly. “You can buy my drinks next time we go dancing.”

“You got it.” With that brief exchange over, she re cloaked and they were back at it.

Time flowed on endlessly. The Destroyer continued its approach, the ground forces continued to push and slowly but surely, Gulf company was whittled away. He watched helplessly as Drundam was mauled and torn apart by husks, as the last Turian in his squad was crushed by a brute. He screamed as he watched Sarah, so full of sass and attitude, Sarah, so fierce, so loyal, so beautiful, was incinerated by the Destroyer, red beam decimating the last of Gulf. His scream drowned out by Reaper’s own wail of triumph.

Edi’s voice cut through his helpless cry, “Commander, the Destroyer is in range. Missiles are ready for launch.”

“Roger that EDI.”

He felt the heat of the missiles as they launched, followed the path they took, saw the Reaper charge one more beam, started running for all he was worth as the beam tore a patch right towards him. An explosion, he was flung wildly, the searing heat, the rough impact of pavement, then darkness.

 

* * *

 

The sky was burning again, filled with billowing smoke and the harsh red glare of gunfire and flames. In calm moments, ashes would gently float down and smother the world in black and grey, a bitter mockery of snow. Screams filled the air, the wailing of the dying, the left behind, the ones so very alive and desperately wanting to stay that way. Hammer was fucked up. Everything had fallen to pieces. He had no idea where the rest of his squad was. He'd lost his rifle at some point, he only had his handgun and biotics. Not enough. Not for this....nightmare. He needed to find him. To get back to him.

"Answer your fucking comms god dammit. Nate!" "Shit. Shit, shit ,shit, shit, shit.

This was his mantra as he scrambled along the ruined city, skirting around reaper ground troops, firing randomly behind him as he ran. Most of the Reapers themselves, the huge, monstrous alien ships, had left planet side to face Sword. But what was left was enough, more than enough. Endless waves of shambling horrors, mutated creatures, washed over them. Ruthless, tireless. Hammer was shattered. What hope did they have now?

Just have to find him. It will be ok once I find him. Static filled his helmet with the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. "I'm here, Sean...I'm here." He sounded quiet, tired, faint, but so wonderfully alive. Thank God.

"Nate baby, just tell me where you are. I'll come find you." He checked his omnitool, pulling up the tracking system, fucking useless so far, but that was before he had a comm signal. "Can you ping your location?"

"Yeah, give me a second, got a group of husks on me." Sean could hear his labored breathing, exhaustion claiming both of them, but there was no other choice but to continue fighting or lay down and die.

His omnitool beeped and Nate's location pulled up, only a mile off. His heart surged with hope despite everything. "I got your location, I'm coming for you."

"Thanks...Babycakes?" It was a weak attempt at humor, but for whatever reason it worked, eliciting a slightly hysterical laugh from Sean's lips. 

"Oh god no, definitely not that one." He trudged through the muck, the piles of rubble and bodies, skirted around reaper ground forces when he could, tore through them when he couldn't. He made good time, only fifteen minutes and just in time as Nate was being swarmed by more husks. He felt a momentary pang of terror and then he was flinging himself into a biotic charge, taking out a clump, enough for Nate....to.....pull....himself?.... _No, no, no, no thats..._ free. Blasting away the last of the husks with a few well placed shotgun.... _not how it happened, no no no no, that's not right, no that's not...._ He turned to Sean with a smug grin, having lost his helmet at some point, those beautiful green eyes flashing despite his shoulders slumping with exhaustion. 

"Damn you're a beautiful sight Sean, so fucking sexy in that armor, if we weren't in the middle of a war I would... _NO NO NONONONONONONONONONONONO_

 

* * *

 

"Sean, Sean! Are you alright?" Green eyes flashed with concern, the wrong green eyes. Hidden behind thick framed glasses and a tired old face. He couldn't focus, couldn't breath, body rigid, lungs constricted. Strong hands on his shoulders, calm voice in his ears. "Sean, breath. Listen to my breath, do as I do. Breath. There we go, in." He sucked a deep breath, relief flooding his veins. "Out." He let it out, heart slowing, the pounding in his head fading. He takes another deep breath, to prove to himself that he can and feels lightheaded. 

"Ok, I think we're done with that for the day. Can you tell me what happened there? You just sort of trailed off intermittently at the end there." Halvorsen removed his hands and eased himself back into his own chair with a huff, taking off his glasses to rub tiredly at his face. 

Sean shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I don't know. Something got mixed up and I couldn't remember what was real for a moment." He shrugged and stood up, weaving unsteadily on his feet as he headed towards the door. Richard called after him but he ignored him and left. Grabbing his raincoat from the rack and giving a stiff wave to the secretary, he exited before anyone could stop him. Ran for all he was worth to his car, got soaked to the bone despite the coat and with shaky hands, started the car and made his way home. He needed to be away, away from that place, away from the memories, away from that feeling of dread. 

The rain continued to fall as he left the twin cities, as he made his way through Duluth, as he drove along Lake Superior. He was lost in his thoughts, his fears, his memories. He didn't see the deer until it was too late, he slammed on the breaks, hydroplaned and flew right off the road, right into the turbulent waters below. The impact sent waves of pain through his body as his seat belt dug into his chest and shoulders. Panic flooded his mind as water started pouring in, he struggled against the restraints of the seat belt, flailing uselessly. It was dark, the water already swallowing the whole of the car, sinking deeper until it hit the sandy bottom. The water was up to his knees now and still he flailed, groped for the release on the seat belt but it was jammed. Terrified laughter bubbled from his lips. 

"All this, all this and I'm going to die. Survived a war that raged across the entire galaxy and this, drowning, this is how I go." He felt tears well up in his eyes, laughter turning into sobs. "What a fucking joke." He closed his eyes as the frigid water flowed over his chest, shuddered as it sunk into his bones. The darkness all around him. He couldn't breath. Chest constricted. And then it all left him, the fear, the self pity, the helplessness. All that was left was an empty calm, he saw his face, hovering above him, green eyes full of tears, hands tenderly caressing his face.

Whispering, begging. "Come back to me, I'm waiting. I'll always be waiting." A reason to fight, a reason to live. Nate was his reason, whether alive or dead, he was worth living for.

He was flooded with blue light, his biotics surging up and outward, a barrier engulfing him, a nova blasting the car apart, a biotic charge flinging him up, up towards the surface, the light. He broke the surface....

Took a shallow shuddering breath, it burned like fire, then another, deeper, let out a groan. He was lying on his back, head resting on a firm pillow, the sterile smell of antiseptic assaulted his noise. He took another deep breath...

 

 

He opened his eyes. Crystalline green met his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The box of messages was written by Louise L. Hay. I take a message each day. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don't. It's a thing. *Shrugs* 
> 
> Gosh! So sorry about the length in between posts, I got sick and it took a while to recover and honestly, all I wanted to do was sleep and read and couldn't find any energy to write.
> 
> Folks, there is only one more chapter and I thank you for making it this far. Whew! Way to power through the angst. Hopefully it was worth it. It was for me, so, I guess that is important too. Much love to you all.


	22. I Love You Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April 19th, 2188 CE - 2 Years After the Reaper War Ended

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh....what I have dubbed as 'Sean & Nate's' song.
> 
> [I Love You Forever](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5cIfvmIgpI) by Two Steps from Hell
> 
>    
> \----------------------------------

 ---------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Damn you're a beautiful sight Sean, so fucking sexy in that armor, if we weren't in the middle of a war I would rip you right out of it.” His banter was layered with exhaustion and he was covered in dirt and god knew what else, not the most appealing sight to be sure, but Sean just looked so damn good in armor.

“Me?” Sean lets out a soft chuckle. “Right now, you are the most beautiful man in the whole world, the whole fucking galaxy.” He took a few hesitant steps forward, unsure. Now was not the time nor the place for what they both so desperately wanted, what they _needed_.

He reached for the clasps of his helmet when he was face to face with Nate, both anxious for contact, even if it was a simple kiss. As he was reaching up to remove the helmet he saw Sean tense up, erupt in a glow of blue biotics and then he was tumbling backwards, flare flying from Sean’s fingers towards a Scion that had just released a huge shock wave, the blast colliding with Sean’s unprotected form. Kinetic shields shattered and his body flew wildly, tumbling across the pavement before landing against a shattered wall with a sickening crunch.

The flare hit its mark, incinerated the scion with its devastating blast. Nate let out a wail, full of rage, grief, despair, “SEAN.” He scrambled towards the crumbled form, armor scuffed and shattered in some places.

He checked the vitals and let out a sob of relief, there was a heartbeat. Gingerly he picked up the limp form of his lover and as gently as possible, tossed him over his shoulder. He had to get back to the FOB, if he could just make it there....

He staggered forward, one arm wrapped around Sean’s waist the other clutched his pistol, unable to aim and shoot his shotgun one handed. Husks started pouring out of the rubble as if waiting for this exact moment of weakness, of vulnerability. He fired off a few rounds, killing a few, missing others. He tried to muscle up his biotics but he was tapped out, running on fumes.

The first husk barreled into him, sending him staggering to the side before he righted himself and killed it with his omni-blade. The second and third hit him in the side, sending him off balance. He dropped Sean with a cry and fell on his back, scarred and mutated faces screamed at him, clawed hands tore at his armor, he flailed his omni-blade, hacking and slashing, desperate. He regained his footing, killed more husks with his blade, saw a wall of flame screaming towards him, husks screeching and fleeing.

It was too fast and far too vast for any hope of avoiding it. It stretched across the expanse of the sky, rolling ever towards them and he felt despair. Tears leaked from his eyes, tired hands trembled.....

 

Warm and calloused hands in his own, soft lips and warm breath on his neck, quiet words whispered for his ears only, “Come back to me.”

Grey eyes drew him from the bleakness of his memories, brought him back to the now, this present moment. He blinked and cleared his throat, looking down at his hands, entwined with Sean’s. He brought them up for a soft, almost reverent kiss, soft smile playing on his lips.

“Sorry.” He looked back into those beautiful eyes in askance, found what he needed within them and let out a deep sigh.

It happened sometimes, he drifted off like that, lost in his thoughts and memories of the war. Sean was always there to draw him back. And when the same happened to Sean, well, Nate would do the same, pull him back to the present. It happened less and less with the more time that passed.

  
Content to have him back, Sean pulled him up from where he’d been sitting, staring out into the choppy waves of Lake Superior. “We need to get going or we’ll miss our flight and then we’ll miss everything. C’mon.” 

 

* * *

 

They stood amongst the crowd, thousands of them, Humans, Turians, Asari, standing and waiting before the memorial. It was a giant spire, formed from a dark metal. It towered above them, stretched towards the sky. Pale white sculptures swirled up and around the spire, one for each of the races that were present during the assault of Sword and Hammer. It was a thing of terrible beauty, burdened with the weight of the names of every soldier that died during the battle. Sarah's name was on that spire, as was Finn's. Lost among the countless others.

Sean clutched Nate's hand tighter at the thought, willing himself to stay present. 

The sun was setting over the London skyline, mostly rebuilt after the destruction of the Reapers, a few reminders of what was lost remained, but here everything was carefully crafted. Beautiful trees and flowers surrounded the monument, pleasing fountains sprayed water into the air, while pristine pathways lead to different garden paths and smaller sculptures and monuments, each detailing some aspect of the war. Shepard had his own statue, all pale marble of a kneeling man, arms outstretched in supplication, an entire galaxy held reverently in his hands, face calm and serene. Admiral John Shepard, savior of the Galaxy. Already his legend was growing, some people calling him 'The Shepard', even a few religions had canonized him as a saint. Saint Shepard. 

As the sun departed and the sky filled with stars, still they waited. It was silent, even with a crowd this large, the only sound aside from the occasional shuffle of shoes was the trickle of water from the fountains. As the clock struck 8:00 PM the spire lit up, brilliant blue arching into the sky above, the light trailed past the tip of the black spire and up into the stars. It was a beautiful sight, it was a beacon of their collective hope. They had a future now, thanks to those names, thanks to their _sacrifice_. They had a future that Sarah would never see. They had a future that Finn would never experience. 

He felt their absence like a physical weight and a soft sob escaped his lips, tears falling down his face. He felt Nate wrap his arm around him and pull him close, heard his shuddering breaths. Sean heard another cry far to his right, someone else giving into their grief and the silence was finally broken by the weeping and keening of a thousand voices. A melody of loss and regret like a balm to a broken and bruised heart. 

They stayed for a while longer, until finally, dry eyed and exhausted, they left. He knew in his heart he wouldn't be back, ever.

Sean looped his elbow with Nate's as they walked, pulling him in tightly, resting his head gently on his shoulder. His heart was heavy but it was also full. Full of the hope he had, full of the possibility before him and full of the love he had for the man beside him.

He looked towards the future with eyes wide open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, ok its done. What an amazing feeling. Gosh, this ending has been rumbling around in my head since I first decided I wanted to write a story involving an OC in the ME Universe. I honestly debated with going for the sadder ending, Nate actually gone, maybe Sean dying in the crash. I thought that the whole "it was all in his head" thing might belittle the serious issues of depression, PTSD, suicide, and make all that work Sean did mean nothing. But honestly, after all this heart ache, and it really has been that for me sometimes, I couldn't go through with it. I wanted that happy ending for both of them. Plus I like to think, he did all that, fought through all that, so he could wake up, so he could be with Nate again. That is enough for me.
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this story, I know it was an up and down hill journey, filled with heavy angst and super sad stuff, but I guess I needed to tell a story like that. I have loved reading your comments, seeing kudos, etc etc. If you haven't left a comment yet but found the story enjoyable, please leave me one to let me know, gosh they mean the world to me and at this point I'm not above shamelessly asking for some, ha!
> 
> I have a few other stories I want to tell, mainly the Mshenko romance mentioned in this fic and maybe a few more one shots of Sean & Nate post war? So subscribe if you're interested. Much love to you all!!


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